Another week, another session. Last week I didn’t write anything for Therapeutic Thursday. Not because I didn’t have therapy, but because I’d been having a good week and I got caught up in it. Today I went into the session knowing I had a lot of negative thoughts going through my brain. After Saturday’s meltdown I couldn’t pull myself up out of the muck. I knew I was having unhelpful thoughts and needed to reframe them, but I didn’t do it. I avoided it and wallowed. In my mind it was what I deserved (don’t ask me why, because I don’t know).
Today was a 10 tissue session. It was all about how inadequate I feel at being an adult. I have needed to get someone out to look at the mold situation under our kitchen sink for months and months, but I keep avoiding it because it feels overwhelming. Thinking about getting an assessment makes me think of all the steps that will come after. I imagine we will have to completely demolish our kitchen and reconstruct, which sounds like a great thing (we’ve wanted to redo the kitchen for awhile), but it’s actually very daunting because of all the decisions that will have to be made. And I’m afraid of making the wrong decisions.
We also discussed the challenge of parenting twins in adolescence. One is trying to become more independent while the other is clinging to childhood. As a result, the other is feeling abandoned and left behind by her twin. I want so much to fix everything, but feel under qualified for the task. I see my daughter having the exact same feelings I’ve been having and I feel guilty that I can’t protect her from that.
My counselor has advised that I stop trying to fix the whole problem and break them down. I know this. I do. I’ve been trying to do that in other areas. But for some reason this week I can’t stop predicting the future and seeing my failures. I’ve been doing a lot of avoiding because I’m afraid and I know it just makes things worse. Why is it that I can KNOW all the steps I should be doing to get myself out of this funk, but all I do is dig myself deeper?
I think I need to be better about keeping up with the blog. When I write out my thoughts/feelings here I know it helps me. So I’m making myself a promise to write at least 3 days a week. I don’t know if it would be better to assign those days or leave them open. For now I will say I am going to write Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday. If that starts to be a problem, I can reassess, but as far as I know, those days should work. Maybe having it in my calendar will help me. I just know that the vague “write when I’m inspired to do so” is not working. I can always add extra days when that inspiration does strike, but sometimes I need to write just to figure out what is floating around in my brain.
It’s time for my weekly lunch date with my husband, so maybe I’ll come back and add to this later, but for now I’ll just leave it. Unfinished doesn’t mean unworthy.
Leave a Reply