I’m in a bad mood today. Everything is annoying me and I keep snapping at my children, which annoys me and I snap some more. It’s a vicious cycle. I told my kids that I don’t know why I’m in a bad mood, but the truth is, I do know. But telling them would just make them feel bad and I do enough of that already and don’t need to add to their guilt/shame. It’s not fair of me to put my bad mood off on them, which just makes me feel worse. I don’t know how to get over it… Maybe I should back up a little.
I think I mentioned that we are traveling for Christmas and decided not to decorate our house. I’ve tried to still get us all into the Christmas spirit through our traditional activities that we always do leading up to Christmas Day. Every year we get excited when we see cars drive past decorated as reindeer, so I decided to surprise my kids by getting a kit for our van. I picked them up from school on Thursday with the surprise. They loved it.
The antlers were attached to the back windows because the front window is the only one that ever needs to be rolled down. Last night (Friday) we went to dinner with some friends and for some unknown reason my son decided to roll down his window while we drove down the highway. And the antler flew off. There is absolutely NO reason for him to roll down the window. He never rolls down the window. So why in the world did he roll down the window?! My daughter screamed and he rolled it up, but the damage was done. The antler was long gone. It was on our car for ONE DAY. And I’m pissed.
But I can’t let him know that. Because he’s already beating himself up and calling himself stupid. I’ve said all the things I should say. “It was an accident. It’s not a big deal. It gives our reindeer character. Etc.” Even though I want to say “What the &+#$ were you thinking?”
I won’t let him know how much this has soured my holiday spirit. It’s not his fault. I know I shouldn’t pin my mood to something so silly. But it was the one thing this week that brought me joy.
I’m irritated at my husband for not getting his school work done and taking an incomplete for one class and not working on getting that class done so that we can spend time together next week while the kids are at school and before traveling. I’m annoyed that I haven’t seen him the last few weeks because he’s been finishing up the show he’s in when he wasn’t supposed to be in a show to begin with. I thought we were going to have a week to catch up on the things we haven’t gotten to do since his rehearsals started, but instead he will need to do school work even though the semester ended yesterday.
I’m feeling frustrated by all of the people I love caring less about me that I do about them. I put all of myself into making this time of year special for my kids, I make sure we get gifts for all of our family members on every side, I come up with festive activities to do every day leading up to Christmas, I booked where we would stay while visiting family, I scheduled to board the dogs, I do everything. Absolutely everything. And do you know how many thanks I’ll get? None.
My husband asked me if we are getting each other presents this year. We had said the new windows we will be getting installed in February would be our gifts to each other. But he asked because I know he saw a box arrive from a company that could only be a gift for him. It was too conveniently timed to be because he happened to think about it. So I told him I had not gotten him anything, but I’d made sure the kids had gotten him gifts. Of course, the truth is, I ordered the gifts and then asked the kids if they wanted to be the ones to give them to him. He keeps telling me “I’ve asked the kids what they want to get you, but they keep saying they don’t know.” Seriously? Does he really think that 12 year olds are going to just think of a gift? No. You have to give suggestions or actually take them to the store. They have managed to get something for almost every person we will be seeing between now and Christmas. And you’re telling me they can’t come up with anything for the person they spent the most time with other than each other? That’s a crock of shit (pardon my language).
It’s not even like I have this big need for a gift. I’d just like for someone to think of me enough to give me something. Heck, I’ve got an Amazon Wishlist! I couldn’t have made it easier! But I’m sure I’ll be sitting and watching everyone else open present after present while I open maybe one or two things that are to both me and my husband.
I’m being stupid and petty and I know it. I know I’m spending too much time in my head and should do one of the Smiling Mind meditations to get me out of my funk. My daughter keeps telling me I should. And she’s right. So why do I want to bite her head off every time she suggests it?
I haven’t hit my exercise or move goals yet today because I’m in a funk and it’s irritating me too. I need to start now so that I can be done before the Social Anxiety Bestie Zoom hangout I’m attending for the first time tonight. I’m not sure I’m in the mood to meet new people, virtual or otherwise, but I’m going to try anyway. I think I’ll do some laps in my living room first, though. Maybe some exercise will help me get out of my funk. Here’s hoping!
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