Guilt. Why do I have so much guilt built up inside of me? It feels like every memory we uncover comes back to me feeling not just defective, but guilty for my defectiveness causing inconvenience to others.
Maybe my mom wouldn’t have her anxiety issues if I didn’t cause her such worry due to my heart defects.
Maybe my parents’ relationship wouldn’t have been so strained if they didn’t have me to worry about my health too.
My kids wouldn’t have to worry about their mom’s health if I didn’t have heart defects.
Logically, I know these things are not my fault and I shouldn’t feel guilt over them. None of this is in my control. Which makes it that much harder. I can’t undo my defects. I can’t erase the worry I inevitably cause in the people who love me. I don’t have control over any of it, and it’s so very frustrating.
The start of our session today was slow. We talked a bit about my week and at first I couldn’t really think of anything significant that happened. Until I remembered that when I stopped journaling after last week’s session, I discovered my son crying in his room because his dad had told him he had to stay in his room until I was done with my session and because I stayed in my closet blogging and no one let him know I was done, he was in his room for 2 hours, wanting to be playing Fortnight with his friends, but missing out instead. And even though I was not the one to tell him to stay in his room, I was the reason and therefore I feel guilty.
Then I remembered that on Tuesday I had my annual electrophysiologist (pacemaker doctor) appointment. I’ve got approximately 6 months left on this battery. Which I knew was coming, as I’ve steadily seen the time coming for awhile now. I mentioned it to my kids that afternoon and my son started playing the “what if” game. What if my pacemaker just stops? What if it’s sooner than 6 months? What if… I tried to reassure him that there were safety measures in place and I would know with enough advanced warning to get it replaced. He eventually stopped asking his questions, but I have no idea if I eased his worries. This will be the first time in his memory that I’ve had surgery (my last was when they had just turned 6). So now I’m feeling guilty over giving him something to worry about.
We did get around to discussing the early memories of feeling defective for the purpose of EMDR. Before our session started I tried to come up with what I thought might be my earliest memory. I remembered in elementary school that I didn’t have to do all of the things everyone else did in PE. Many days I spent in the library, but on laps days I was either the person handing out popsicle sticks (to track laps), or I walked while everyone ran past me. I stood out. And I hated it.
My therapist looked through her notes and reminded me of the memories we’d discussed previously, trying to find the earliest ones. We are trying to pinpoint what memory to use for the EMDR, but I feel defective because I can’t remember much from early childhood. I don’t know if that’s because of all the anesthesia I’ve had over the years, or if I’ve blocked many memories. Either way, I struggle. And feel guilty that it’s taking so long to find the root of my problems.
She did mention using next week to discuss coping strategies for after a session. I’d mentioned that I had a rough day following last week’s, due to needing longer to process. I think we are getting closer to trying the actual EMDR, but it sure has felt like it’s taking forever to get past this history gathering stage. I’m ready to rewire my brain. I told her that my head knows that my feelings are wrong, but I can’t stop myself from feeling them.
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