Remember how I said that I decided this blog would be my “talk therapy” because I wanted my therapy-therapy to be for EMDR? Well, that didn’t happen! I went into the session thinking I had a pretty good handle on things, having worked through my emotions about my son having Covid and talking to my husband about them afterwards. I thought I’d be giving a brief update on the state of affairs in our house, then we would turn to the task of getting further in the EMDR process. I was wrong.
It seems I had not worked through everything. And over the course of the hour, talking about how much of my identity is wrapped up in my kids and their happiness, I realized that part of my problem is that I feel purposeless. Outside of caring for my children and helping shape them into the best versions of themselves, I’ve lost who I am. I realized that everything I do is motivated by them in some way. I go to therapy so I can be a better mom to them and to set the example that it’s okay to seek help. I exercise on a regular basis to show them that physical activity is important. I cook healthy meals every day because I want them to be healthy and make good food choices in the future. I worry about getting sick because of how that will affect them and their activities. As I’ve stressed about Covid, my biggest worry has been how it will impact their ability to participate in their activities and for me to be there to watch.
My therapist said that I needed to look at doing all of those things for me instead of for my kids. That they were good things to be doing, but I should shift my motivation. But that’s hard to do when you don’t feel worth it and they do.
Outside of being their mom, I feel like I have nothing. Or at least, I feel like I have nothing. My therapist pointed out that I am also a wife, a daughter, a friend… Which is true, but doesn’t feel as purposeful, if that makes sense. When I was a librarian, I felt like I had purpose. I guided young people towards a love for literature and learning. I wasn’t just a mom. But I feel like that’s all I am right now.
I’m not sure how to go about finding a new purpose. I know I’ve mentioned writing, and I do feel like I should pursue that. But I’m feeling pretty blocked on ideas in that department. I’ll think of character ideas or interesting formats, but no plot comes to mind. You kinda need a plot. Perhaps I should schedule time in my day for brainstorming. Though I’m not sure how effective it would be to sit and stare at a blank screen. Perhaps I can find a guided planning resource. I did buy that Memoir book last year. Maybe it’s time to revisit that. Or go through the NaNoWriMo workbook I purchased. I need to do something to get myself to move forward instead of sitting still.
But I always have an excuse. Most of them being a feeling of imposter syndrome or feeling like I have nothing important to contribute. I did a 5 day writing workshop a few months ago and got onto a bunch of mailing lists for writers, but I just move them into a “writing” folder without opening them, thinking I’ll get to them “later.” It’s been almost 3 months of “later.” At this point, I should either read them or delete them.
Anyway, the main thing that came out of my session today is that I’m putting all of my identity and purpose into my kids and I realize that can’t be sustainable. They aren’t that far from going off to college (as much as that thought pains me) and I don’t want to feel like my identity has left as well. I want to be my own person with my own goals that aren’t wrapped up in them. Unfortunately, I often feel guilty if I do anything without them. It’s a never ending loop.
Leave a Reply