Moment of panic

I had a moment of panic earlier today. My husband texted me this:

“Any issues with Andi coming over to chill and paint on the 16th or 17th?” 

My brain immediately screamed “NOooooo!” But instead I admitted that the 16th would be better, since I’ll be out of the house working that day. To which he asked if Andi would have to leave before I came home with the kids or could they stay for dinner. I noticed my stomach tighten and my breathing pick up. I took a few slow, deep breaths and texted

“I will try to suck it up. I’m fully aware that Andi is a nice person and we actually have a little in common. Just feeling anxiety for no tangible reason.”

Here’s the thing. My husband is a much more social person than I am. Yes, he’s mostly an introvert, but he also needs social interactions with his friends on a semi regular basis. Pre-pandemic he had this opportunity weekly when he would get together with his friends at a local gaming store to play games, then head to Chuy’s for dinner. Every Wednesday for 19 years of marriage. And then the pandemic hit and shut it all down. They couldn’t meet at the game store and they couldn’t go to Chuy’s. The guys did start up a D&D game once a month at one of their houses, but my husband, out of caution for me, only participated over zoom. He was the only one not there in person. Two weeks after his second dose of the vaccine, he joined in person.

It’s not quite the same as his weekly game nights and I know the lack of social time has played a big factor in his recent bouts of depression. So I certainly don’t want to get in the way of his time with a friend. But all of those other times didn’t require me to be social. It just meant I had the kids by myself, which was fine. But when he brings his friends to our house, which he never did before the pandemic, it’s hard for me to not feel panicked.

I’m trying to talk myself through it. I think my biggest anxiety is that I feel incompetent as a housekeeper and my house looks like a disaster. Rationally I know that his friend is not coming to judge my house or my incompetence. My house may be cluttered, but I am not the only person who lives here, nor am I the only one responsible for its cluttered state. I’m personalizing, mind-reading, and emotional reasoning all at once!

My other anxiety is with how to interact with the friend if they do stay for dinner. Again, I can rationally know that the last (and only) interaction I had with this person was pleasant. It turns out we both attended the same university for theatre, though more than 10 years apart. We were able to find topics to discuss and actually left my husband in the dark when we got going on topics with which he was unfamiliar. So my tendency to jump to conclusions and catastropize is a big problem here.

So I will try to show up, even though I’m scared. Because my husband and his mental health matter. And because anxiety is a liar.