I didn’t have therapy last week, since I went on my daughter’s field trip, so today we had two weeks to process. I went in feeling pretty good about myself and the progress I’ve made in recognizing cognitive distortions and my own need to give myself permission to recover from socializing. But somehow, my therapist can always ask just the right question to bring all of the anxiety and feelings of inadequacy back to the forefront.
I know that’s her job. She’s supposed to ask me those hard questions so that I process what’s really going on. I felt like I’d been doing that through my blog series, but apparently that was just surface level stuff that she dug around in and found more nuggets to collect.
I told her about the field trips and how one was so much more difficult than the other because I didn’t have my “safe” person with me at the second. I told her about my blog series that has helped me to look at my cognitive distortions in various aspects of my home life. I told her about my husband inviting a friend over to our house and my first reaction to be anxiety, but recognizing that I had no actual reason to say no. I told her about my epiphany that I feel as if I shouldn’t take up space, even in my own home.
With every single one of those, she asked me “Why.” And that’s when my chest would tighten and my throat would constrict. I told her I have a very physical reaction to that question, even though I can’t really give an answer. It’s frustrating to me because I know there is no evidence. I know there are cognitive distortions at play. But no matter how much my mind knows there is no danger, my body does not understand. I want to be able to tell my body there’s nothing to be afraid of, but the harder I try the more it shuts down. Maybe my body is fighting my mind. Maybe it thinks that is the real danger?
We brought up EMDR again. I’ve had so much going on that I needed to get out through talk therapy that it fell by the wayside. However, I mentioned realizing there is a disconnect between what I know to be true and how my body reacts. I can point to the fact that there is no evidence that my family or anyone else thinks I shouldn’t take up space, but it doesn’t stop my body from feeling that way. I told her maybe EMDR would help to break that neurological connection and she agreed. So she gave me the option of alternating between talk therapy and EMDR each week or spending the first part of a session talking, then spending the last part on EMDR. But honestly, I feel like once I start talking I don’t stop, so it’s probably better to skip the updates altogether and focus on EMDR. The sooner that can do its magic, the better.
Or maybe that’s a problem too. Maybe I’m putting too much hope into believing that EMDR will wave a magic wand and make all of my feelings of inadequacy disappear. Maybe I’m being unrealistic. But I have to try. Because I feel like no amount of talking is going to break that connection. Sure, I can find a possible source, but I can’t seem to use words to quiet the fears. Words I know to be true bounce off of my fears without making so much as a dent. I can only hope that EMDR will crack the protective shell of my anxiety and help the words to make an impact.
I asked if we could start meeting in person once school is out so that I don’t have to hide in my closet. So in a few weeks my Therapeutic Thursday posts may move to a different day of the week. Not sure if I should change the name or keep it for consistency. I suppose I can write the post on whatever day I have therapy and publish it on Thursdays. Although, it will be a little more difficult to go straight to writing up a blog post after therapy if I’m not already at my computer when it ends. We will just have to see how it goes.
Leave a Reply