This was not a planned post for the Social Anxiety At Home series, but I needed to brain dump today and it seemed to go well with the series, even if it doesn’t follow the pattern of the rooms. Find links to the rest of the series on the welcome post linked above.
It’s just another day and I shouldn’t be disappointed in the fact that it’s gone exactly like any other Sunday in our lives. We got up and went to church. Came home to scatter to our different parts of the house and that’s it.
My husband asked me after church “What do you want for Mother’s Day dinner? What goes with mashed potatoes?”
“The kids won’t eat mashed potatoes. That’s not necessary.”
“But you love mashed potatoes. Who cares if they eat them?”
“Just make burgers or something. We’ve got potatoes in there. You can make potato salad.”
“What do you want for dessert?”
I rarely eat dessert. I don’t find it necessary. “Whatever. Ask your mom.”
I know that he expresses love through acts of service and making dinner is one of those “I love you” acts of his. But seriously, asking me only a few hours before, AND asking me to make the decision, does not feel that flattering.
A couple of days ago he told me he had asked the kids what they wanted to get me for Mother’s Day and neither came up with anything. I told him that asking them to come up with something out of thin air isn’t ever going to work. The best way to help them is to either offer suggestions or physically take them to a store so they can look at what is available. Asking them without any reference points will always come up with nothing. Which is why they had Christmas gifts for every single one of our family members (I took them to the store) and nothing at all for me (he didn’t).
So what has “Mother’s Day” meant for me? I got texts from a friend and our surrogate. My son quickly wrote a “coupon” on notebook paper good for one day of “not talking about video games” that he says expires today. When I asked my daughter what we should have for lunch she told me “You choose. It’s Mother’s Day.” To which I answered “I have to choose what we eat nearly every single day. I don’t want to choose for once.” So she said she wanted sushi (which is what she always wants). I had my husband grab some for her while he was at the grocery store getting the ingredients for tonight’s meal. I ate leftovers. My son skipped lunch because he’d rather play Fortnight. I’ve been in my bedroom ever since.
I’m in that “listless” state again. I want someone to want to do something with me, but I don’t want to have to ask and I don’t know what it is I want to do. I’m sure they think they are being so kind by leaving Mom alone and not bugging her or something. But honestly, I’m alone 80% of the time. I just want evidence that they care if I’m around.
Yesterday my husband got upset because my son wanted to play a video game online with his friends instead of going to Free Comic Book Day like we’ve done almost every year. I told him, “That’s their job right now. This is when they start pulling away from family and towards their friends. They’re learning independence so they don’t live with us the rest of their lives. It hurts, but it’s what’s supposed to happen.” Knowing it doesn’t make this stage any easier, though.
There’s a lesbian couple in my Sunday school class and yesterday one of them posted about the adorable one-on-one dates she went on with each of their two young children. Their 6 year old son took her to breakfast, ordered for her, talked with her, playfully took pictures with her. Then later in the day their 5 year old daughter took her for ice cream and more of the same. Someone asked, “What about their other mom? What did they do for her?” She replied that they take turns each year and that last year they had a similar day for their other mom. That’s when it hit me. Having another mom in the mix must make a big difference. Because all they have to do is think “What would I want?” And they can help make that happen for their partner.
If my husband really thought about it, he could realize that it’s not presents or acts of service that are my love language. My love language is words of affirmation and quality time. I’ve gotten neither of those today. But I guess it’s hard to give words of affirmation to someone that generally doesn’t believe those words when they are spoken. And it’s not fair of me to expect something from them when I haven’t told them it’s what I want/need. They can’t read my mind any more that I can read theirs. This day does not mean anything to them. And it shouldn’t mean anything to me. Maybe it wouldn’t matter as much if I didn’t already feel somewhat worthless. But I can’t seem to really convince myself that it doesn’t matter.
My husband has been busy with finishing up the work he has left for his classes, pulling all-nighters most of the week. So I really shouldn’t have hoped he’d plan ahead. One thing I did do, because of the disappointment I felt last year at not even seeing my husband on our 20th anniversary, is I told him over a month ago that I need him to plan something for us to celebrate this year. Because every time I try to figure it out I start to fill with anxiety, but I really want to do something. So far, I’m pretty sure nothing has been planned (our anniversary is in just over a month), though he has said he’s been trying to figure it out.
I hate that my brain does this; sends me into hiding because I feel unworthy of asking my family to care. How do I convince myself that I am worthy? That I do deserve to take up space? Because today is definitely a day that I’m feeling like hiding in the closet.
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