Why is it so difficult to ask for or accept help? I love to help others, yet I hate needing help. I imagine it’s a perfectionism thing. My brain telling me I’m lacking in some way because I can’t do it myself. Cognitively I know this isn’t true, but it’s there anyway.
My surgery has knocked me down harder than I expected. In the grand scheme of things, it really hasn’t been that bad. I mean, I can get in and out of bed, I can go to the bathroom unassisted, I can put in my contacts, I can get myself a drink from the kitchen, I can type one handed, I can heat up leftovers for lunch… The things I can do significantly outweigh the things I can’t. Yet my brain seems to elevate the “can’t” list in importance.
I can’t make dinner. I can’t fix my hair. I can’t get my arm in the shower sleeve so I can shower. I can’t cut my own food. I can’t sit at my computer desk for long. I can’t drive. I can’t do my laundry.
All of those things are easily avoided or handled by other people (Except the hair). So I haven’t really needed much help during the day, since my kids have been occupied all week.
My husband had to work today and was gone before the kids needed to be at the church, so my mother in law offered to take them. Which was fine. They could have walked (we live super close to church), but it meant they didn’t have to cross a major road alone. She asked me if I wanted her to sit with me today in case I needed help. I told her it wasn’t necessary, as I hadn’t needed much help so far. She decided to stay anyway.
The weird thing is, she lives here, so it shouldn’t be weird that she was here. But she’s been house sitting for the last week and hasn’t been home, so the fact that she stayed just for me made me feel like I had a babysitter. I wound up setting up my bed so that I could work on my computer in there and out of the living room. I heated up my own lunch just before she came to ask me if I wanted her to get me something to eat. I wanted to go for a walk, but I was afraid she’d stop me or insist on going with me and I really didn’t want to be hovered over.
I know she just wants to be helpful. And just because I can do things myself doesn’t mean I have to. I tell people that all the time. My son when I offer to help him get his tuba in the car. Or my friend when I offer to pick up something from the store because I’m already there. I offer because I genuine want to be useful. I know that is all others want to do for me.
I once told my mother that turning down help is denying those people the opportunity to feel good about helping someone they care about. And I try to remember that. But knowing it and acting on it are completely different. Instead I feel irritated that they think I’m helpless (which I realize is mind reading and untrue) and want to prove to them that I’m fine.
Yesterday I discovered that my aunt went ahead and did the deposits that are part of my job. I know she was just trying to help me not feel like I need to get back to work too quickly, but instead it felt like I’m letting her down because I chose to have surgery. I had every intention of being there either tomorrow or Tuesday to get my work done. I might be slower because I’m one handed, but I’m still capable of doing the work (so long as my husband drives me). And, as my aunt just pointed out, I would need help with the letter opener. Guess I’m not as independent as I’d hoped.
Several friends offered to make dinners for us while I’m recovering and I told my husband and his response was “That’s not necessary.” Which is true. He’s home and perfectly capable of cooking. But I know from personal experience that people love to offer food. I used to do that for new moms in my twins group. And I’ve taken food to friends when they’ve felt overwhelmed. But I also get the hesitation because we can take care of meals.
One of these days, maybe I’ll learn how to be better at accepting help. But I’m not sure it will be any time soon.
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