This morning is definitely better than yesterday morning! And honestly, I did feel better as the day progressed yesterday. Warm tea helped calm the fire in my throat and I even ate a little bit of lunch. For dinner, my husband made corn soup. Yes, it’s a thousand degrees outside, but the warm soup felt so good on my throat. He made it because my daughter had a sore in her mouth that made chewing painful, but I got the benefit as well. I’m having a bit more of it this morning in my soup mug (pictured above with more tea and my current entertainment!).
I have to wonder if the Paxlovid is actually doing me any favors. I can’t help but wonder if my symptoms have been relatively mild just because that’s how my body would have responded anyway, or if it actually has helped. Because all I have noticed are the side effects. If I consume anything (even water), I’m heading straight to the bathroom not long after. I also am not looking forward to feeling my heart flutter when my Tikosyn wears off. I have a feeling that will last longer than the symptoms of Covid.
Which leads to why I’m taking it in the first place. I mean, yes, I have an underlying health condition which says I’m at higher risk for hospitalization with Covid. But I’ve had 3 vaccinations and I’m relatively healthy otherwise. I spent years working in schools and built up quite the immunity to the germs that propagate there. My son can have the flu and lay all over me, yet I did not get it. So why did I even bother with Paxlovid?
The honest answer is: my mom.
As soon as I told her I had a faint positive and would be going for a PCR test she was insistent that I contact a doctor about getting on Paxlovid. She seems to think it must be a miracle drug. To appease her (because I’m a pacifier pleaser), I called my primary care doctor and left a message for the nurse. I doubt I would have even bothered calling if I didn’t know she’d bug me until I did.
And yes, the doctor suggested the Paxlovid without any prompting on my part. So I realize that my heart history does recommend that I take it. I also gave my cardiologist a heads up and let her know I had the prescription for Paxlovid, so I’m sure that if I didn’t already have it she may have recommended it as well. But right now, I feel resentful towards my mom. It’s wrong of me, since she’s only looking after me, but I feel like this is just another example of her anxiety spilling onto me.
I love my mom. I truly do. We used to be super close and I’d talk to her for hours on the phone. But that trickled away when I had kids and when she learned how to text. Most of our conversations are in text now. Her anxiety has always been pretty bad and I know she’s tried to get help for it a few times, unsuccessfully. She says she’s tried meds, but didn’t like the side effects or something like that. She has tried therapy, but that was decades ago. And if the pandemic did anything, it taught me that isolation just makes anxiety worse. So I know that my mom’s anxiety is way out of control and I feel at risk for being sucked into it.
When we decided to go to Canada I didn’t tell her. I didn’t want to hear her judgements or anxieties. I had plenty of my own to contend with. I just never brought it up. My sister knew. My aunt knew. But my mom did not. What was I supposed to do, say “Hey, Mom, I know you’re completely terrified that I could get Covid and would prefer I never leave my house, but I’m going to get on a plane and travel to another country to meet someone I know from the Internet. Hope you don’t mind.” So I just didn’t say anything at all. But then my husband made a FB post when we were at the airport and my mom saw it and started texting me “Why didn’t I know you were going somewhere?” I said it was “somewhat last minute.” Which it sort of was. We didn’t decide until about a week or so before we went. But I hate that I felt like I needed to hide it at all.
And I feel like it’s unfair because my sister went to Hawaii last summer and her kids went on a cruise with their dad last week. I don’t know if it’s just that my sister doesn’t let Mom bother her or if Mom is less anxious about her and therefore doesn’t spill that onto her the way she does with me. Or maybe it’s all on me. Maybe it’s just that I have a little voice in my head (that sounds an awful lot like my mom) that makes me believe she is going to disapprove. I guess that could be my anxiety manifesting itself. I know my sister has anxiety too, but I think it’s more generalized and not as much of the social kind. But my social anxiety or pacifying pleaser tendencies (or both) make me afraid that my mom is going to judge me for making the choices I make and that I will consequently be rejected. I’m seeing now that I’ve been mind reading way too much as well as catastrophizing.
Gosh. I guess I have some major mommy issues to work through. I did not start this post as a therapy session, but I seem to have pulled up some buried feelings inadvertently. I had to miss therapy the last two weeks and will miss next week as well, so I guess I needed it!
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