Making Progress

Therapy today felt like a celebration of wins. I’ve had good weeks before, obviously (or not so obvious), but this week has felt like a lot of wins.

I’ve talked a lot about my anxieties and worries in relation to my son, both here and in therapy. For some reason, he is the one I struggle with the most. I don’t know how to help him through his anxiety and it hurts my heart. Most of the time I know he is having cognitive distortions and that avoiding situations just makes it worse, but when I push him he shuts down. So when Ellen Hendrickson shared that she bribed her anxious child with “Dollar Challenges” by paying him a dollar when he did the things that scared him, I decided to give it a try (I may have mentioned this with the Dance post).

Anyway, I presented an “Anxiety Bingo” to my son, listing situations that I saw him struggle with and working on tools (like grounding techniques, cognitive distortions, and a “what would happen” worksheet) to help him through his anxiety. I told him he could choose what he wanted to do and I’d give him a dollar for each one he completed. I’ve been impressed with how that’s gone. The motivation of earning money towards the VR headset he wants to buy has really pushed him to complete several challenges. And today at the dentist he surprised me. The dentist asked him questions and HE ANSWERED. In full sentences! When I told him in the car how impressed I was he said “It didn’t feel like a big deal.” I told him “Practicing works!” I didn’t even have to pay him!

But I’m also proud of me. You see, for so much of their lives I’ve just answered for them. When they were really little, no one could understand them (they were in speech therapy from age 3-almost 7). So I guess I got into the habit of either clarifying or answering for them. And when they hesitate to answer because they are nervous, I answer to avoid the awkward. I know this about myself and had already started trying to stop, but wasn’t being very successful. On Saturday we went to CVS to get flu shots and covid boosters. The pharmacist that was giving them their shots was asking them questions and they weren’t answering, so I spoke up. The pharmacist looked at me and said “You need to stop that. Let them answer. I’m trying to distract them.” I confessed that it is something I’ve been in the habit of doing their whole lives and I’m trying to be better. I think having the kids hear me make that confession helped all three of us. And today my son didn’t wait for me to answer for him and I kept my mouth shut. We’ve both made progress!

At therapy today I felt really positive. We’ve had some tough situations going on with a friend of my son, but it hasn’t weighed me down like it might have in the past because I feel like I handled it the best I could. My therapist pointed out that I seemed like a weight was lifted and that it seemed to be in relation to my son. And it’s totally true.

But another reason I feel so much lighter is because I’ve made a real connection with a group of individuals that I met online. We’re spread out between three different countries, but the four of us have become a 24-7 support team for one another. We all have social anxiety and have been or are in therapy. But with us being in 3 different time zones, someone is almost always available if (when) we need a little extra support. We’ve been able to be completely honest about our anxieties and safety behaviors because we’ve all been there in varying degrees. We’re able to be 100% vulnerable in ways we’ve never been with anyone else. Which has been intoxicating, to be completely honest. I imagine it will die down at some point, but we have an almost constant group message going and I’m obsessed to the point where I have to mute my phone to get anything accomplished. But I love it.

I mentioned this to my therapist and that we are able to point out cognitive distortions to each other in the moment, rather than recognizing them later. We are able to see it in others before seeing it in ourselves. She said that the goal is to be able to catch them in the moment myself, which is true, but I’m glad I’ve got this group for now.

We did a short EMDR session today because I spent more time than usual catching her up on my week. We tried out a new device she got that replaces the self tapping for reprocessing. Instead you hold a plastic tear shaped controller in each hand and she sets them to alternately vibrate at a certain strength and speed, then pauses it after a certain number of “sets.” I never realized that the number of sets was what determined when she would stop me and ask me to describe what I see. But today she stopped me much more quickly because the device was set much faster than my hands would tap. It was interesting.

Today’s session brought up a time that I was at church camp and became overheated. My sister was at camp the same week and they brought her over to ask her what she thought they should do. Of course, she had no idea. They ended up taking me to an ER (I think?) and while I was in the car we passed a camper that had run away from camp and was walking along the highway. We stopped and got him and I befriended him. I still remember taking a picture with him.

Afterwards we talked about how I feel guilt that my sister’s camp experience was interrupted because of me and noticed that I always befriend the kids that feel left out or sad. It’s something I continued even as a teacher and school librarian. I’m always trying to make others feel better. Perhaps in an attempt to make up for my self-perceived defectiveness.

It seemed to intrigue my therapist when I talked about this. But we were out of time, so we didn’t get to dive deeper. It will be interesting to see where we go from here.