I know. It’s been way too long since I’ve last posted. A lot has been happening, some of which made typing difficult (2 surgeries) and some of which was just plain busy (traveling and holidays). None of that is a valid excuse though. I really need to get back to a regular habit of writing. It’s best for us all. For me because writing is a great way for me to process my world. For my family because it’s best for me to process my world rather than suppress and explode all over them. For you because…. Well, maybe you like reading about my crazy life? Or not. But either way, here we are.
Today I had therapy. It’s been hit or miss the last two months because of traveling, so I don’t feel like I do much more than recap my life with her before our time is over. We have put EMDR on hold for now in favor of working on regulating my emotions. Not that we did that a whole lot today. I had too many mixed up emotions going on in regard to visiting my family over the break. Suffice it to say, my sister an I are very different, but we grew up in the same family so there might be a few behaviors we both picked up and have taken in different directions. I have a hard time voicing my opinions or asserting myself with my family, so I end up with a lot to say in therapy about it. Why is it so hard to maintain growth when with your family?!
In addition to discussing my family, we talked about what my ultimate goal in seeking to better myself might be. I know without a doubt that I want to better myself so that my children will know how to build healthy relationships with themselves and others. I want to be able to model what that looks like as well as give them tools for avoiding a lot of the issues I’ve had to fight as an adult. I feel like if I can improve my own emotional regulation and they see it played out, the message will stick much better than if I just take them to a therapist that will give them tools.
We also discussed my penchant for perfectionism. She asked me why I thought perfection was so important. Something I’ve never said out loud (or allowed myself to fully think) came up. I feel like I have to be perfect so that the people I love don’t leave me. I have some sort of deep fear that if I do anything to upset anyone, they will leave. If I tell my sister how I feel, she will not want to see me anymore and that will cut me off from my nephews and my mom. If I upset my husband, he will decide he doesn’t want to be married to me and leave for someone that makes him happy. If I screw up my kids, they will choose not to see me anymore once they’ve moved out. I feel like so many of my relationships have just faded away and I will soon be left with no one. And the thing is, none of those faded away relationships ended because of a big mistake on my part. But I feel like I must have done something wrong, or they’d still want to be around.
Currently I have a group of friends that feels different, but I still fear that it won’t last. We are all thousands of miles apart and I’ve only met one of the three in person. We chat every day, but that’s hard to maintain, as we’re discovering. But one thing that is different with this group than any other I’ve been in is that we’re talking about how we can best handle overwhelm and/or catching up if we’re busy. We’re strategizing ways to ensure that no one ever feels either left out OR obligated to go back and read everything if they haven’t had time. I’m learning a lot from these friends as we navigate the best ways to keep communication open and honest. I hope to be friends with these people for life, but I also have the constant fear that it won’t last. I’m learning, slowly, that I can’t just keep my feelings to myself and hope no one steps on them too much.
In a few minutes I’ll be chatting with one of the friends, so I’ll wrap this up. But I wanted to get a post up that shows I haven’t completely disappeared and I hope I’ll get back into the habit of writing every day, if possible. Maybe I’ll even try those daily themes out again to keep me going.
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