Today has been a busy day.
It started with a sonogram appointment to check the placement of that darn IUD I regret getting. On Monday I checked the strings (which no one told me to do, but all of those websites that my husband didn’t want me visiting recommended doing) and they were much longer than they had been the day after it was put in. So without saying anything to my husband, I messaged the doctor through the portal. The PA answered, suggesting I get my sonogram now to make sure everything is in the right place. The first available appointment was Wednesday morning. I had the same sonographer as last time and she recognized me. I feel like she listened way better than the doctor did and showed empathy for my situation. The sonogram was uncomfortable (I was cramping quite a bit before, too) and now I have to wait for the radiologist to look at it, then send a report to the doctor, who will then contact me. I really really don’t understand why this doctor’s office doesn’t have an ultrasound machine in their office. It makes no sense, given their specialty. Maybe they have one and it’s reserved for baby makers.
Anyway, I got that over with early, then spent time at the church trying to figure out what direction we are supposed to be taking the library. Several months ago I was recruited to help in the church library, as the ladies that have been doing it forever are getting very old (one of them died recently, which made them realize they might need to pass the torch). A retired librarian and I have taken over as of January. But the adult minister that we report to has made it clear that he would rather we not have a library. And quite frankly, we probably don’t need it. However, we certainly don’t want to slap these ladies in the face and get rid of the whole thing right after they handed it over! So we feel stuck. Instead of getting any actual work done, we talked and composed an email to the minister to try to get more direction and maybe a mission statement to help us move forward.
After that it was therapy time. From the moment I walked in, I started venting about the IUD situation and all of the frustrations I have with gynecologists in general. It all boiled down to me feeling like my thoughts, feelings, and experiences were invalid because they don’t fall into the experience of “most women.” I am feeling like this is one more area in which I’m “defective.” Because “everyone” else has a different experience from me. At what point do I get to be an individual human being that is listened to and trusted to know my own body? I have had nothing but horrible experiences with gynecologists and hate that I even have a uterus.
Even though I’ve pointed out that I don’t do things the way “most people” do. I don’t know if I’d rather be right that the IUD has moved (and therefore have to have it removed and find another solution for my heavy periods) or be wrong (and therefore be told I’m overly paranoid and confirm that they shouldn’t listen to me). Truthfully, I hope I’m right. But at the same time, don’t want to pay the large medical bill that will certainly be coming and yet still not have a solution. And if she finally concedes that I’m right and offers a hysterectomy, I’m not sure if I want her to be the one to do it.
Towards the end of my session, I told my therapist that someone had mentioned that getting on meds for her anxiety has helped her with distress tolerance. So we talked a little about getting on meds and who to go to for that. She is going to send me some recommendations for psychologists, though my PCP has offered before. I’m not sure which route I will go, but I guess I’m at a point where I feel like I have the tools, but can’t seem to find the outlet to give them the power at the time that I need to use them, if that makes sense. Maybe meds can be the power source that can give the tools the energy they need to be useful.
Speaking of, my laptop is about to die (I haven’t had it plugged in for a few days) and I didn’t bring my charger, so I will need to end here and head home. I didn’t get my writing done, but perhaps I can get some done tonight when the kids are at small group. We only have a couple of weeks left before we have to turn in our story for the anthology. Eek!
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