I mentioned in yesterday’s post that my hysterectomy is now scheduled. I have been wanting this for four years and it’s a relief to finally have someone willing to do it. However, that doesn’t mean all of my emotions are relief.
Fear – I am worried about pain and recovery. I have had lots of surgery, but not many have been abdominal. The majority of my surgeries have involved my chest or shoulder. I’ve perfected the art of getting out of bed without using my arms. I know how to hold myself for the least pain. But not for this. I am grateful the plan is to do laparoscopic, which should minimize the pain, but that doesn’t mean it will be easy. It’s difficult to deal with the unknown and so mostly I am trying to “cross that bridge when we get to it” instead of spending time/energy worrying about it.
Loss of control – Not knowing how things will go leads to feeling a loss of control. I feel like I need to plan for every contingency “just in case.” For example, my kids will need to be driven to camp (1.5 hours away) a week and a half after the surgery. Will I be able to drive that long to get them there? I had told my friend that I would get her son to camp when I took my kids. Now I’ve made her worry that she might not have a ride for her kid. I assured her that whoever takes my kids (me or someone else) can take hers as well and it’s not something she needs to worry about. Instead, I will do that for her. (I think I will be able to drive, but there’s always that niggling “what if” in the back of my head.) I also don’t think I’ll be able to cook for awhile. I am the primary cook in our family, particularly on days that my husband works. With his new schedule, he will be working M-F. Now, he will actually be home for dinner, but I hate adding the stress of cooking on him when he is feeling overwhelmed by his new job. Cognitively, I know that is something that he is willing to do and if not he can always pick up food on the way home from work, but I still feel guilty.
Guilt/Shame – I’m feeling guilty for needing/wanting this surgery. Because it’s disrupting everyone else, not just me. My son was lamenting this morning that he had hoped to have a sleepover with his friends when a video game DLC comes out in July (no specific release date as yet), but if it’s after my surgery he “knows” I won’t want to deal with his friends. I tried to tell him that there is too much unknown for us to worry about it right now, but he spent almost the whole drive to camp doing exactly that. I understand that he has anxiety and this is a part of it. He likes to know what to expect (believe me, I relate!). But his anxiety spills onto me and I take it on myself. In my head I had to keep telling myself “It’s okay for him to be disappointed. I don’t have to fix this and I don’t have to make any promises to help him feel better.” I guess that’s progress.
I also feel guilty that I’m not going to be able to help my friend as much as I had planned/hoped/promised. I did see her last night and my son said the two of us should get together to binge watch TV while we recover side by side from our respective surgeries. Which doesn’t sound like a horrible idea. Assuming I can drive and she’s not in Houston, maybe that is one way we can help each other.
Disappointed/Rejected – I sent an email to my Sunday School class two days ago to let them know about my surgery. I also sent an update about my friend. I got several replies to the one about my friend and only one to the email about my surgery. I feel like I’ve had so many surgeries the last year and rejected help every time that no one thinks its a bit deal. And I will admit that in my email I said “I don’t think we need anything other than your prayers, but I wanted you to know I wouldn’t be able to help as much as I’d planned.” But it’s this feeling right here that keeps me from accepting (or asking for) help. I feel like it’s safer to do everything myself so that I don’t have to feel rejected when no one wants to help.
There are dozens of other emotions going on, but I need to head to work now. Perhaps I’ll have time to write more this afternoon.
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