The morning leading up to therapy today was extremely anxiety inducing. Thankfully, discussing it with my therapist at least helped me to see why, even if I don’t yet know exactly what to do about it.
My daughter has been a junior counselor at zoo camp this week and this morning she woke up in quite a mood. Her alarm apparently didn’t go off and she forgot to charge her watch the night before. Which was causing her anxiety because it has been causing her problems for awhile and not only is a watch a part of her uniform, but she likes to know what time it is. At this point I offered her solutions. Either she could go without the watch and let them know that her battery was dead or we could stop somewhere on the way to pick up a cheap watch for her to wear. She chose the latter. As she finished getting her things together, my son and husband got into an argument.
We stopped at Walmart (one we don’t frequent) and ended up walking around the entire building before finding the watches close to where we’d entered. I spotted a cheap digital watch in her favorite color and showed it to her. But her eye was caught by another watch that had more features than just the time and had to be paired with her phone. I tried to dissuade her, pointing out that this watch would need to be charged, but she insisted that the time in the car should be enough to make it through the day. But in the car she had to load a new app on her phone and pair it with the watch to even get a time to show up. I have it set so that they need permission to download new apps, which meant that while I was driving I had to give approval. By some miracle, she was able to get everything connected (I have no idea if there was sufficient charge or not).
However, traffic was significantly thicker than it has been the last two days now that people are back to work from the holiday. Therefore it took significantly longer to get to the zoo. Even though the GPS was saying we would get there at 8:18 (she’s supposed to arrive between 8:20 and 8:30), she was anxious about being late. I assured her that we would be okay, but she became even more agitated when she saw that we were taking a different route than we had the previous days (GPS said it was faster). I continued to try to reassure her while trying to hide my own anxiety about traveling a route with which I’m less familiar. We arrived right on time and she rushed out of the car, not even giving me a hug before heading inside the gate.
Just as we arrived I also received a text from my mother. A few days ago my California aunt and uncle had tested positive for Covid. Now my cousin’s wife and son (in NYC) had also tested positive. I was with all four of them 10 days ago. While I’m fairly certain that they must have gotten it after we saw them and from completely different sources, it started to make me worry that it could effect my surgery. What if they ask if I’ve been around anyone that’s tested positive in the last 2 weeks? Because that answer is yes, even though they tested positive well outside of the usual incubation period. I don’t know how I should answer that question because I REALLY don’t want to postpone the surgery, but I also don’t like lying.
Putting that anxiety aside for the time being, I then drove back through traffic to go to work. Normally I work on Thursdays, but with surgery tomorrow I changed to today. However, I also didn’t want to cancel my therapy appointment, so I set a goal of having all of my work done in time to get to therapy. I was able to do that, but the anxiety of taking a different route to therapy built as I drove. It didn’t matter that I knew how to get there or that GPS was saying I’d be there in plenty of time. Being out of my routine had my stomach in knots. Then when I arrived there was someone sitting in the waiting room and I had to sit in a different spot than I usually do (yes, it’s ridiculous, but I sit in the same seat to wait every week). I sat trying to concentrate on my breathing instead of the clock ticking past my appointment time.
After the workshop I did with Lauren Sapala about Empaths and Boundaries I have begun to reflect on how other people’s emotions impact my own. As I talked to my therapist we discussed how the way I handled things with my daughter sounded like I was trying to fix things again. This is a common thread for us. I told her that yes, I was trying to fix it, but I think it’s because when people around me are feeling big feelings it makes me uncomfortable and I try to fix it to ease my own emotional weight. We talked about trying to separate my own feelings from others as well as allowing feelings even when they are uncomfortable. We strategized steps to try to recognize when I am absorbing the feelings of others.
I’m recognizing that so much of my anxiety is tied to the emotions of others. And I think that comes from growing up in a household of big feelings that lead to yelling and emotional hurt. I’m seeing the same scenario playing out in my sister and I desperately want to break that cycle for myself and I’m struggling with how. My therapy sessions seem to frequently come back to this, so I’m hoping that eventually it will become easier for me to recognize in the moment rather than after the fact.
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