It isn’t quite the “Wellness Wednesday” I normally have. Last week I got a phone call in the morning saying that my therapy appointment for later that day needed to be canceled because my therapist had to go on maternity leave early. They asked if I wanted to make an appointment with another provider, but I said no. I know I probably should have said yes, but the thought of starting over with someone new was just too overwhelming. Later in the day my therapist texted me and asked what I wanted to do going forward. Switch to another counselor in the practice, get a referral for somewhere else, or close my file. I told her to close my file. That sounds so final, though. I don’t want to stop forever. But in the moment, that’s what I picked. Now I just have to hope that I can use what I’ve learned so far to make it on my own.
I do have my psychiatrist and the meds I’m on, so at least there’s that. Though when I see her again she may not like that I’m not doing therapy. But I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
Meanwhile, I did have an appointment today. It was my followup from surgery. It lasted about 5 minutes. He came in and asked how I was feeling, I said I felt great and hadn’t used pain meds since the day I got out of the hospital, I showed him the incisions and that was it. He said he wants to see me in 4 weeks to make sure the top of my vagina has healed, but after that I don’t have to see him again. I told him “Great! Not that I don’t like you, but I’d rather not see you.” He laughed and said “Yeah, no one wants to see a cancer doctor. Especially a vagina cancer doctor. It’s worse than the dentist.” He then confessed that my case had been a bit intimidating, but that everything went really well. He said the anesthesiologist was a bit peeved at him for not thinking to call in a pacemaker rep to reprogram my ICD, but at least she was on top of it. I am very grateful that he did the surgery despite the intimidation. It’s so good to have it over with, and given how smoothly everything went it feels even more irritating that no one else would do it!
My cardiologist actually had her office coordinator email me to see how I am doing. I replied that everything went well and I was doing great. The way that everyone was treating this whole thing (including my cardiologist), I felt like it was going to be a major disruption. I assumed I’d be in a lot of pain and feel run down for several weeks. So if I’m being honest, I feel a little disappointed. I know that sounds weird that I’d be disappointed that things went better than anticipated, but that’s really the only way I can describe how I’m feeling. It’s like I spent all this time preparing and worrying for the worst, but none of it was needed. I mean, I know anxiety can be like that all the time. Building things up in your mind that are really no big deal. But I think at first I wasn’t worried, then everyone around me kept telling me things that made me think I should worry. So then I did get worried and they were all wrong! Yet when I told my mom that I was feeling “surprisingly good” she asked why I was surprised and said she knew I’d do fine. This is strange coming from my chronic worrier mother.
My kids went to church camp on Monday and will be there until Friday. With my husband now working M-F, it’s left me with a lot of alone time. But oddly enough, I don’t want to be alone. I met a friend for lunch on Monday on the way home from dropping the kids off at camp. I met my aunt-in-law for lunch yesterday. Today, I sat at Panera Bread to do work, drove through Taco Bell and ate in my car, then came to the library to spend time writing. I don’t want to sit at home with just me and the dogs. I don’t know why.
Tonight I will be starting another Lauren Sapala class. This one is Write to Heal. It’s covering writing about trauma both as memoir or fiction to help heal your own trauma. I’ve said often that I would like to write a memoir (or maybe more than one), but I have also played with the idea of writing fiction based on my experiences instead. I’m hoping this will give me some inspiration to get started either way. Because I have done very little writing this summer. Partially because it’s hard to find time. Between traveling, chauffeuring the kids, and surgery, this summer has been very packed. I didn’t used to look forward to school starting (probably because that meant my job was starting back up), but I admit that having time to do the things I want to do is appealing.
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