This may be my first post of the week, but I have actually managed to write several times! Tuesday I spent writing a memory (maybe it will be a memoir, maybe it will be fiction, or maybe I’m just working through things). Yesterday I wrote as if I was talking with my therapist. It’s kinda creepy how I can hear what she would say inside my head!
I didn’t post either of those here, though. I know I want to write often, but I’m not sure that I want to share all of it just yet. Which is kind of what Lauren talks about. That INFJs need to write as if no one will see it. I mean, I pretend that no one sees this blog, but it’s still a bit different. I don’t feel a need to edit or filter what I write here. And I do tend to be a bit vulnerable, but I think my therapy writing needs to be just for me.
With that being said, I feel a need to figure out what I do want to post here. So far this blog has just been me processing my way through personal growth. But is that all it should be? Should I use this space for more? And if so, what?
The thing is, everything I write here is just stream of consciousness. I don’t map out what I’ll write and I don’t go back and re-read any of it before hitting publish. Which is why there are probably typos and mistakes all over. But if I were to plan things out or go back to read what I wrote before publishing I don’t think I’d have a single post up. Maybe. I mean, I did post that series of Social Anxiety at Home that I sort of planned out. But just the topics, not the content. I wrote each post as it came to me and if I re-read I don’t remember doing so.
I learned when I wrote for NaNoWriMo in 2020 that I have to just write and not edit even a little bit if I’m ever going to get past the first bit of writing. Yet I’ve been having difficulty doing that lately. I can’t seem to get past starting. Maybe that’s why the idea of short stories appeals to me. Because even thinking about the arduous task of editing a full novel or memoir is gut wrenching. The process of writing I love. It’s the process of cleaning up that’s painful. Kind of like at my house!
I realized it was time for me to leave for work and stopped mid post. But work went quickly today and I stopped on the way home to get a veggie burger (I seem to be flexitarian now) and brought my computer in to write more. Partially because it feels less weird to be eating by myself if I’m also on my computer, but also because I wanted to finish my post.
So back to writing/editing. I know that Lauren Sapala says that INFJ writers should not read what they have written while they are working on the first draft. And then they should wait a long while after they are done to look back at it. But here’s the problem I’m running into. I decided to try going back to that 2020 NaNo novel and it sucked. I now see how unbelievably bad it is. Which just makes me feel worse.
I know, I know. It’s supposed to be shitty. But what if I can’t make it un-shitty? What if shitty is the best I can do? Because at the time I thought it was good. What if I think I’ve fixed it, but it just gets shittier? What if every attempt I make at making it better only makes it worse?
I realize, of course, that I’m using distorted thinking. That I’m trying to predict the future and dismissing the positives. I know my perfectionism/anxiety is holding me back. But how do I make it stop? Show up scared. Yes, I know the answer. I know the answer to a lot of things that I still can’t make happen. But I’m trying. And that is better than nothing.
Instead of looking towards the end goal, I need to simply have a goal for today. Write ONE memory or short story or blog post or whatever. Just show up. Show up until that first (shitty) draft is done, then show up to revise. Perhaps that’s what I need to do with my Fiction Fridays? Work on editing my NaNo novel. It will never be better if I do nothing. And sure, it could get worse, but its not like that changes anything. It’s still not ready to be published at all. And isn’t that what I was hoping for? To publish it? Or have I given up on that idea? Am I satisfied with never putting my work out there?
This was not the thought train I thought I was boarding when I started this post, but apparently it’s where I needed to go. It’s giving me a lot to think about. I’m still not sure what I’ll do, but at least I’m thinking about it.
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