My birthday is this week. I’ll be 47 years old. Which I don’t really think of as all that old (at least, not anymore). I’m not upset about this age or dreading the big 5-0 in three years or anything like that. But boy have I been feeling old lately!
For one thing, my body has aches and pains constantly. My knees hurt when I stand up. I have a hard time getting up from a squat or sitting on the floor. I understand my wrists and elbow hurting now, since I broke them four years ago (yes, all at the same time), but my knees come as a surprise. Maybe it’s because I weigh the most I’ve ever weighed in my life. Maybe my knees are telling me they can’t support this gain in mass. I know I need to work on losing weight, but I’m afraid it could become obsessive and borderline disordered. I have started working out again, now that I’ve joined the Natatorium. Exercising in the water is much easier on my joints than on land. Which also makes me sound old. The majority of other people in the class are considerably older than me. I’m used to being the youngest in the room, having grown up as a heart kid with a cardiologist that saw mostly adults. And I always seemed to gravitate towards the coworkers that were older than me. I guess perhaps I’m an old soul, with a body that’s catching up.
Last Saturday my daughter and I helped paint set pieces for the school musical. There were a few other parents there as well as students and the teacher. I had told the teacher that I used to be a Theatre teacher as well and we talked a little about that. Of course, I’m pretty sure I could have taught her back then, but I tried not to dwell on that. Later the other moms were standing around talking and I guess the subject of age came up. I wasn’t in on the conversation, but apparently my daughter heard and joined in. It seems one of the moms said something about probably being the oldest one there, to which my daughter assured her she was not because I was 46. I don’t know how old this “oldest” person is, but surely it isn’t THAT much younger, seeing as she has a daughter in the same grade as mine!
I also can’t stay up late like I used to. The last several Saturdays I’ve stayed out late, then had to get up for church the next day. I fell asleep in my recliner after lunch every time. Last night I made the mistake of reading after dinner. I know a lot of people say that reading before bed helps put them to sleep, but it has always done the opposite for me. I know this and used to have a rule for myself that I couldn’t read novels during the week when school was in session. I knew it would result in staying up too late to finish the book, then being exhausted the next day. But back in high school or college, it wasn’t all that big of a deal if I broke my rule occasionally. But last night my husband was out of town, so I could lay in bed and read without disturbing him. I ended up finishing the book just before 1 AM. When my alarm went off at 5:30, I hit snooze. Then when that went off I started to get up to get in the shower and decided my hair wasn’t too bad and I could sleep for 15 more minutes until it was time to get the kids up. After dropping the kids off at school I was very tempted to go home and go back to bed, but I’ve been trying to make the habit of going to Panera Bread to write after the early Tuesday drop off. I hoped that coffee would help (not so far). When I arrived there was a sign on the door that said the WiFi is down. I felt like maybe that was a sign that I really should go back to bed. I didn’t. I’m still here (without WiFi), writing. But my brain can’t focus on my memoir or fiction pieces at the moment.
Instead I’m thinking about all the ways I’m feeling old. Which might not be the healthiest thing to do. Instead, I’ll think about the things that make me feel young.
In the aqua class I’ve been taking I listen to the conversations around me (rarely participating) and they are all about retired life, grandchildren, and health issues. Now, the health I can relate to, but I always have, so that’s nothing new. I cannot relate to the retirement traveling or grandchildren discussions, thankfully. Granted, I DO know all of the music that plays, but it’s because I always listened to the music my parents and grandparents enjoyed, so that doesn’t count either.
I’m trying to think of other things that help me feel young, but I’m coming up blank. It’s much easier to come up with more reasons I feel old. Like the fact that I dislike driving at night because it’s hard to see. My contacts and astigmatism make the lights glare and my depth perception is nearly nonexistent. I don’t do a ton of driving at night, but with it getting dark earlier (and staying out later), I’ve had to do it a lot lately. My brother (also my eye doctor) says glasses are better than contacts for glare, so I try to remember to bring my glasses and switch to them when it gets dark. I even had the thought that maybe I should get another pair that I could keep in the car. Which I then rejected because I can’t see without my glasses, so I’d end up wearing them into the house and forget to put them back in the car. Which is the exact problem my husband has, considering he has to have glasses for close up and for distance. At least that’s not something I need (yet)! My brother had said I would need to start using reading glasses at age 45, but so far I’m still able to read small print without an issue. Could reading glasses be helpful? Maybe a little. But I’m stubborn and refuse to use them until absolutely necessary. Mostly to prove my brother wrong. Though the other day the update on my iPhone made it so that it can warn if you’re holding your phone too close to your face and apparently I do it all the time. I ended up turning off the alert because it was driving me crazy. I don’t think I hold it close because I can’t see it. I just hold it where it’s comfortable. I’ve got my laptop in front of me right now at a good distance and haven’t increased the font size or anything. I suppose the fact that I’m defending my eyesight is perhaps a sign of aging as well. At least I’m not arguing about my hearing?
Alright, enough lamenting about my aging body. I really am not concerned about getting older. I’m glad I’ve had the privilege of doing so. When I was young, no one knew if I’d even make it to adulthood, much less my 40s. And 17 years ago the doctors were telling me I’d be needing a transplant. Heck, I’ve got more energy than I had 16 years ago, before I had my bi-V ICD implanted! Maybe my joints didn’t hurt back then, but walking up stairs was way more of a struggle than it is now (though it’s getting harder again). I really do have a lot to be grateful for and look forward to continuing to grow older. Even if that means more aches and pains.
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