Is this Adulting?

I’ve often said I don’t feel like I’m very good at adulting. I’ve asked if I could turn in my adult card on multiple occasions because, quite frankly, adulting gives me anxiety. It requires entirely too much human interaction, decision making, and knowledge for me to ever feel comfortable. Mostly because I feel like I need to get it “right” the first time and that something terrible will happen if I somehow do it “wrong.” I understand that this is a cognitive distortion, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling it anyway.

When I started thinking about getting a new car I felt like I needed my husband to be involved in the process so it would get done “right”. However, being the librarian that I am, I began doing research. And when looking at dealership sites, they always want you to put in contact information in order to get all of the data. So this meant that a salesman reached out to me, of course. And somehow I ended up scheduling a test drive. My husband was busy with work and going out of town, so he was unable to join me. This meant that every conversation I had with the salesmen was done solo. I was scared, but I did it anyway. And on the day that I had to take my husband’s car to get a new battery, I even held my own in a conversation with another salesman that was trying to convince me not to wait for a Sienna.

I picked up my new car on Wednesday. I could have gone during the day to make it easier on our schedule, but again I thought I needed my husband there. Partially to make sure I did it “right” but also because I felt like it was something we “should” do together. And when the salesman asked if we would both be on the title or just me, I said both. But my husband said he didn’t see why he needed to be on it at all. While my husband did say a few things and ask some questions, it really was all me. The salesmen talked to me, the finance guy talked to me (unless my husband asked him a question, of course).

My kids needed to go to rehearsal before I was done with all of the paperwork. So my husband took them while I stayed and completed the sale. It really would have been better if I’d taken care of it by myself while the kids were at school and he was at work because it meant they didn’t eat dinner until after rehearsal. But in my head I thought he needed to be there. And honestly, I think he wanted to be. Yet, I managed to do it all on my own. All the doubt that I was capable was unfounded. I had no evidence that I couldn’t do it (I’d never tried before), yet I believed I would make a mistake.

Now, you’d think this would be an important revelation that would change how I view myself. And it should. However, I’m fairly certain I will still feel inadequate as an adult. I will still feel uncomfortable when making phone calls or doing anything “adulty”. But I am going to try (emphasis on try) to remind myself that I am capable. That I can handle it. And no matter how much I feel like an imposter, I will only fail if I don’t try. Maybe someday it will sink in.