It has been quite the social week for me. Last Tuesday my husband and I flew to Chicago for Adepticon (a gaming convention he helps with every year). I went last year for the first time. A friend I’d met online and her husband went too and we got to hang out in person for several days. We had hoped to do the same this year, but it just wasn’t in the cards for her. My husband asked if I still wanted to go and I said “Of course.” Like I would be perfectly fine. I wasn’t.
Wednesday was okay because we were helping set up the hobby area, so I had a job. When I have a job or direction of some sort, I’m good. I don’t stress as much about what to say or what people are thinking.
Thursday morning I had volunteered to work the hobby area, which I thought meant I’d be good because I’d have a job to do. Unfortunately, that job was sporadic. There was a lot of down time when we were just sitting. Others had brought paints with them and were painting minis while they talked and answered people’s questions. They are all excellent artists. I feel like I can barely hold a paintbrush (though I’ve taken a few classes, I’m still a beginner). So even though I brought things I could paint, I never pulled them out. I was too intimidated. And as a result, I had nothing to do while we waited for classes to let out so we could reset the rooms. Which left me feeling awkward and alone in a crowd. Then, when we did need to reset the rooms I was much too slow and the person in charge of the volunteers came into the room to speed me along. I felt incompetent.
As soon as my shift was over, I took off. I didn’t have anywhere to be, but I needed away from the hobby area. I considered retreating to my hotel room, but I was afraid that if I did that I wouldn’t leave the room the rest of the week. At one point my husband found me and asked how things were going and it was all I could do not to cry. He could see that and kept probing for what was wrong, which just made it harder to hold in the tears. Even now, thinking about how I felt then, has me tearing up. I managed to go to the game demo and the class I’d signed up for, but I still felt incredibly out of place. I was the only female at both and felt completely inept. A fish out of water. I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the rest of the con.
Friday morning I had a class called Attack the Monster. The instructor for the class announced at the beginning that she has stage 4 cancer, which had me thinking about Kim and I almost broke down. It wasn’t a hands on class (though she did take us on a “field trip” to the vendor hall), so there wasn’t a lot to keep my mind focused. I considered leaving more than once, but I didn’t want to insult the instructor. Afterwards, I decided to stay and talk to her. I thought I would tell her about Kim. But instead I offered to help her carry her things. We ended up wandering the vendor hall together and she showed me various booths, figures, and tools she liked. She was getting tired, so I walked with her to the hobby area and left her to sit while I went and got lunch for us both. I ended up eating with her and a few other artists. I didn’t say much, but I didn’t really need to. They kept the conversation going without needing my input. Every now and then I would make a comment, but mostly I listened. I didn’t feel quite as alone.
We parted ways and I wandered through the gaming and vendor halls by myself, buying a few minis she had shown me that I really liked. Eventually I had another class to attend. This time was a little less awkward, but I still didn’t feel all that confident with my painting skills. I did okay, but I wasn’t really fond of the instructor’s teaching style or the way he would make comments about how other people teach beginning classes “wrong.”
When I finished the class I met up with my husband and his friends at the bar. Several greeted me with enthusiasm, having met them last year, but I had a hard time joining in the conversation. They were all very friendly, and occasionally would try to include me in the conversation, but I didn’t always know what they were talking about. When the group began to disburse, I went to the room to go to bed while my husband continued to hang out with friends. In some ways I wish I could feel comfortable staying up to the wee hours of the night to hang out, but I knew that if I was going to make it through the next day I was going to need to have time to myself.
Saturday was actually pretty good. I had a class that ran from 8:30-1:00 with an instructor I’d taken the kids’ class from last year. He said that he had been inspired to create this class because there were a couple of adults that came to the kids class the year before and I said “That was me!” He was a really good teacher, going over several different techniques and giving us time to try each one, coming around and giving pointers as we worked. He had given us little wooden cubes to practice on, which helped us really see what we were doing. He also had a great handout that will be helpful to refer back to in the future. I’m really glad I took his class.
Later in the day my husband and I met up. After eating some lunch, we wandered around a bit until it was time for him to play a game of Gnk Racing. He kept telling me I should play too and that I’d have fun, but I kept saying no. Until they were about to start and the person teaching everyone how to play (it’s not an official game, it was an Adepticon exclusive event) and the son of the head honcho (who knows my husband, thanks to Spray Team) insisted that I should join the fun. So I did. And it was actually fun. And I even came the closest to winning (we ran out of time before we had a winner)!
That evening we were invited to have dinner in the head honcho’s suite. His wife brings multiple slow cookers and feeds everyone that is helping out. I mostly listened to the conversations around me, but when one of the other hobby volunteers came in to eat I talked with her. That felt good. My husband then had to be interviewed for a video that was being made for one of the sponsors, so I hung out in the room until I thought he would be done. I tried texting him, but got no response, so I went downstairs looking for him. No one knew where he was. But some of his friends asked me to join them sitting in the bar area while they played a game. They offered to have me play too, but I declined. I feel like it takes me forever to catch on to how a game is played, while everyone else gets it instantly because they have so much experience with other games. It’s not as big a deal with just my family, but I didn’t want to feel stupid in front of them. One of them noticed my scar and asked about it. When I said “Oh, I have congenital heart defects” he said “Me too!” Which suddenly made it a lot easier to talk to him. Granted, he was also trying to play the game, so it was hard to have an actual conversation, but it was nice to feel a small connection to someone in that moment. He asked me if I was enjoying the con and I told him it was awkward on Thursday, but was getting better. He asked why it was awkward and I said “Because I’m me.” It took forever for my husband to actually finish with the interview, but it made him happy that I was hanging out with his friends without him. I know a few of them want us to come visit them as a family someday, which feels incredibly uncomfortable to me, but perhaps I’m getting a little more comfortable with the idea. And honestly, it would probably be easier with just us instead of us and a million other gamers. I did go to bed well before my husband, but I had certainly made progress.
Sunday my husband and I had signed up to play a round of The Hangry Games together. It was just us, one other player, and the game designer. It was a silly and fun game, even though one of my guys was the first to die. We then had to help with tear down of the hobby area. We were late getting there, though. And by the time I got downstairs, they were nearly packed up. I ended up following my husband around and helping him disassemble the tvs and transport them to the gaming hall where they would eventually get loaded onto trucks. When everything was packed we all sat around talking. I was able to connect with one of the other volunteers when he mentioned living near where I grew up. We talked a little about the area and its crazy attributes, then moved on to other topics.
That evening we had dinner with my brother-in-law and his girlfriend (they had been at the con as well, though we only saw them sporadically until then). My husband invited a few of his friends to join us and tried his best to split his attention between the two groups. Of course, having family there made it way more comfortable for me.
Monday morning we packed up and went down to breakfast. The head honcho always treats all of the people that help make the con happen to a breakfast buffet once it is over. There are plenty of people that have to continue to work to get everything back to the warehouse where everything is stored, but the bulk of the work was done.
Looking at when I had the most fun throughout the week, I’ve realized that I do much better when I can find something to connect with. So I’ve decided I need to spend this year working on learning to play a game that I can play at the con. The problem is, I’m not really into war gaming. I did find a tabletop role playing game that looks intriguing to me, but it’s not one that is played at Adepticon. But the minis are adorable and I would actually get excited about painting them! I told my daughter she and I need to find a game we both want to play and spend this year learning to play and painting the figures so we can both go to Adepticon next year. She would love to go. My son says he wants to go too, but I think that’s more curiosity than an actual interest in the things that happen at this con. He is more interested in video games than table top or board games. He frequently gets bored waiting for his turn. He has said he wants to go to PAX, which I believe would be a much better fit for him. Not entirely sure it can happen this year, but we aren’t opposed to taking him.
Overall, I am glad I went. The beginning was rough, particularly because I felt like I was doing so much better with my social anxiety than I apparently am, but also because I probably set my hopes too high. Everyone I encountered was very kind and welcoming. There is no evidence to support my feelings of not fitting in. I know it’s all a great big cognitive distortion. But it’s not always easy to change that “stinkin’ thinkin’” in the moment. Hopefully I can keep this in mind for future social encounters.
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