I’ve realized lately that I have a tendency to hide myself. Not just from others, but even from myself. I am afraid of being seen. When I really think about it, I’m fairly certain it came from a fear of being yelled at or directing negative emotions my way. I don’t like saying it’s my mother’s fault, because I really don’t blame her. She’s dealing with her own trauma. But watching how she would belittle my father when she didn’t like his response (or lack of) or how upset my brother would make her left an impact. It was better to fly under the radar. Especially since my heart did more than enough to draw unwanted attention my way.
On Friday I had an epiphany of sorts. I was in the locker room at the gym, and it was more crowded than usual. After getting out of the pool I normally go into one of the shower stalls to remove my bathing suit and at least put on my undergarments and wrap up in a towel. All of the showers were taken that day. I’ve noticed a couple of women that change out in the open without covering themselves up. Whereas I am holding a towel around myself even after getting into my underwear and bra.
I thought “Why can’t I do that?” And then said to myself “Who says you can’t?” I decided right then to change right there in the open. Now, I wasn’t able to let it completely hang all out, but I didn’t stress about being completely covered either. And I ended up having a conversation with another woman in the room the whole time I was changing!
Guess what! The world didn’t end. No one pointed and laughed at the site of my nakedness. As a matter of fact, no one even cared.
When I went to buy more comfortable leggings (I’ve gained way too much weight!) I decided that I needed to break free of the black and grey I’ve been hiding in for years and got some teal leggings. I’m wearing them today. I have decided that all of the things I’ve admired in other people, thinking “I wish I could pull that off” or something similar, means maybe that’s who I really am under all the anxiety. If I love colorful hair, why not? If I like Boho and “hippy” style, what’s stopping me from wearing it? Am I afraid someone will confront me and tell me I have no business wearing those things? Do I care?
I know it’s not going to be an overnight change in mindset, but I’m trying. I really want to go get new clothes that fit my new outlook, but I also don’t want to spend a lot of money. I tried going to a thrift store yesterday, but didn’t find anything I liked. I’ve also looked at some online thrifting sites, but I’m afraid to hit purchase and regret my decision.
Which comes to another point. I’ve been pulling tarot cards fairly often since I started a few months ago. The one card that shows up the absolute most? 7 of cups. Often inverted. Which indicates a fear of making a choice and being “wrong.” How is it that out of a deck of 72 cards there are some that I’ve never pulled for myself, but that one has come up 9 times since I started recording my readings! I think the universe might be trying to tell me something. LOL!
I’m always trying to find the “right” answer. But sometimes there isn’t one. Which I’m trying to get through my thick skull. Maybe it will penetrate at some point. Meanwhile, I’m going to keep working to prove to myself that I don’t need to hide. And in the process, I hope to find who I really am.
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