Fighting Lonliness

Last week when I mentioned not knowing what I should be doing while I wait for beta reader feedback, Sage posed the question “Why do you need to fill your days with doing?“ It didn’t take long for me to figure out that why.

Without writing occupying most of my time and brain power, I’ve had way too much time to realize how lonely I am. Which is always a direct route to depression for me. I’ve been keeping myself busy so I wouldn’t notice.

Looking for a middle ground between staying busy and overthinking, I made a choice to push myself. I found a local Silent Book Club FB group that intrigued me. What is Silent Book Club, you ask? Apparently it’s a group of people that meet up for lunch or coffee, then all read their own books silently together. There’s social time before and maybe after, but the bulk of the time is spent reading.

It sounded like a possible place to make a friend or just feel less alone, so I joined. And when an event was posted, I bravely put it on my calendar and responded that I would be there. I had to consciously stop myself from finding a reason to not go. I made sure to not go to my office after aqua so that I wouldn’t back out. I arrived at the restaurant with 20 minutes to kill.

I wandered around the shopping area surrounding the restaurant and feeling my anxiety build. About five minutes before the meetup time I had a bathroom emergency. I bypassed the hostess stand and went straight to the restroom. Just in time.

Once I was feeling better, I joined the line of people waiting to be seated. I eyed everyone, wondering if they were part of the group. One woman had a book with her, but she and her companion didn’t look to be waiting for anyone. Eventually I decided to step outside and message the group to ask how to find the others. I got a reply immediately. Telling me that the meetup is next month. 🤦‍♀️

I was SO embarrassed. The title of the FB event is “May Meet.” Yet somehow I thought it was today. And now everyone knows my mistake. And I told my family I was going to make sure I did it. I’m trying really hard not to beat myself up, but with all of the anxiety just to show up, this is not decreasing it at all. Quite the opposite.

So I left the restaurant. I stank up their bathroom, then didn’t even eat there. I drove around with no clue where to go or what to do.

Eventually, I saw a restaurant I like and pulled in. I was seated near the bar at a high top table. There weren’t many people there at that time of day. I guess they do more business in the evening. I ordered a boneless wings basket. But when my plate arrived, they were bone-in. And I’d requested a very sticky sauce. I decided I’d just eat it rather than ask for what I really wanted. Normally I use a fork with the boneless ones, but that isn’t possible with the bone-in. I was a sticky mess. My fingers, my lips, my cheeks. And wouldn’t you know a manager would decide to stop and chat? I stopped after 4 wings and asked for a to go box. I couldn’t sit there alone and sticky any longer. I paid and left.

Now I’m sitting her wondering if the waitress thought I’d said the bottomless wings, then ate 4 and stopped. Either way, I’m feeling rather stupid. And still lonely.