Feeling adrift

I’ve journaled before about my concern regarding knowing who I am once my children leave the nest. I’ve made it a goal to find who I am apart from their mom. Without a job title that was easily definable, I was searching for a new title. I thought Author would be a good fit.

And now I guess I am an author (which will always feel weird to say). I’ve dedicated the last year toward becoming this, but now what? I feel adrift and unsure of what to do with myself at this stage. I’ve been putting in more than forty hours a week for the last two months getting my book to the point of publication and now it’s a waiting game.

I’ve ordered proof copies. I’ve recruited reviewers. I’ve created marketing materials. I’ve practiced talking about the book. I’ve created and sent my first ever Newsletter (if you want to get it in your inbox, sign up here). I really and truly don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.

Sage says I shouldn’t do anything. That I should use this time to rest and do what I want to do. But that’s part of the problem. I don’t know what I want to do. And having nothing to do makes it that much more difficult to ignore that I’m lonely.

My kids got their licenses last month and I was able to tell myself that it was good because now I could spend my time at the office without being pulled away to play chauffer. Now there’s not really a whole lot of point in coming to the office if all I’m doing is scrolling and refreshing all the data coming in from the various places I’ve put my work out there.

Even as I work on typing this post, I find myself drawn to create something for the book. Why can’t I pull myself away? Sure, it served me well when there was a lot to do, but now it isn’t necessary. Here I am, trying to get my head around why this is so difficult, and I keep avoiding it by making up things that I could be doing, but totally don’t need to.

Sage always says that behind avoidance is usually fear. So what am I afraid of? Honestly, I know and don’t want to face it. It’s absolutely the lonely factor. Even filling out the back-to-school forms for my kids was a reminder that the people I used to include as emergency contacts aren’t available to me anymore.

Yesterday I asked the kids, “Now that you can drive yourselves, how involved do you want me to be?” They told me I should only go to the games when I want to and that I don’t need to be at all of them. Which I think they probably feel is what I want to hear, but I don’t think it is. I want them to want me there. Squirrel did say that they like that I get to know the other guard members, but sometimes it feels awkward for me to be there. Monkey doesn’t even notice when I volunteer for band, so they don’t care either way. But if I’m not volunteering, what am I going to do when they are at games?

If only I could figure out what I like to do for fun. Maybe I need to look into auditioning for a show in the fall. That might give me somewhere to belong.