Anxiety Cycle

I’ve started noticing a pattern in myself. I can go along like everything is fine for quite a while, even convincing myself I’ve got a handle on things, only to get overwhelmed by life’s circumstances, which leads to an emotional explosion of some sort and then a numbness that keeps me curled up in bed for a full day or more if at all possible. Can you relate?

I have also noticed that it is easiest for me to “fake it” when I’m helping someone else. I think that’s why I didn’t notice how bad things were getting earlier. I spent the first year of the pandemic calming down my friend’s anxiety and only fell apart when I wasn’t focused on that.

Yesterday would have been a numb day in bed if I hadn’t had unavoidable commitments for other people. I wasn’t going to miss my kids’ performance or my husband’s, even if it meant coming out from under the covers when I really didn’t want to. I would have moved my day of hiding to today, but we had two birthday parties and archery. I had to be chauffeur, because that’s what I do. I take care of my kids and do my best to not let my moods and anxieties ruin their plans.

The first birthday party was for the son (9) and husband (40) of my friend that I spent so much of my time talking down from the edge, only to get no sympathy when I expressed my own anxiety once she was over hers. I really did not want to go, but my son and hers (not the birthday boy) are very close friends. And my kids already knew we were going and would have made my life hell if I’d canceled. My husband offered to take them and let me stay home, but I knew that would only result in questions I didn’t want to answer from my friend. Instead, I went and put on my fake smile.

My son had a blast. My daughter was just as miserable as I was, but much less successful at hiding it. The boys were loud and rambunctious and their volume level overwhelmed her to the point of tears. I took her outside to calm her down, but thankfully my kids had archery, so we had to leave the party early.

My son was very angry at me for making him leave. He was having fun and they brought out the water balloons and super soakers just after I’d told him we would be leaving in 10 minutes. Of course, he decided to dunk himself into the wading pool anyway and I had to stop his fun even earlier so he could change clothes and we could still make it to archery in time. He stomped to the car, ranted about how unfair I was, and kicked the back of the chair in front of him. I told him as calmly as I could muster “I am trying very hard right now to not yell back at you. I suggest you stop before I can’t hold it back any longer.”

Surprisingly, that worked. We got to archery exactly on time and the time spent practicing seemed to get his mind off his disappointment. He’s always had transition issues, which is why I gave him the 10 minute warning, but clearly that was not enough in this situation.

After archery we had a few minutes at home before we had to leave for another birthday party. This time at a bowling/arcade place, which I was dreading. But I love this sweet friend of theirs and want to encourage them to stay best friends, so I couldn’t say no. Just as we were getting on our shoes to leave, I got a text from the mom that she had accidentally made her reservation at the location in a neighboring suburb by accident. So instead of the 10 minute drive we were expecting, we had a 25 minute drive. Not too big a deal, but we were obviously going to be late. Usually that would send me into a panic, but knowing that she would understand, given the mistake, I tried not to let it bother me.

Of course, the place was super crazy busy with absolutely NO social distancing. We started in a private room, which helped ease me into it at least. One of their other best friends was also invited and her mom is the only person that I feel comfortable talking to about my anxiety because a) she’s a counselor, and b) she and her daughter both have diagnosed anxiety. I would have loved to have had the chance to sit with her and just talk, but chasing around kids hyped up on sugar and best friend excitement made that impossible. I so appreciated her being there and knowing she completely understood.

After pizza and cake, the kids were set loose in the arcade, which was way outside my comfort zone pre-pandemic, much less now! Crowded, loud, dim general lights with flashing colored lights in every direction. And of course, our kids would run off though the maze of games and it was impossible to keep up with them as they would weave between all the other patrons. Focusing on the kids got me through. Their little friend with anxiety was having a hard time too, and her mom would take her outside every few minutes to help her gather herself back together. My daughter said she had felt overwhelmed by all the noise and lights, but she kept her focus on keeping her friend’s little brother entertained and that helped. We all (except my son, of course) were ready to go well before the designated “end” of the time. Thankfully, he didn’t put up a fuss when we left.

I made it through the day and I didn’t fall apart. So that’s good. But now I’m drained and rather than spend time with family in the evening, I disappeared into my bedroom and started typing this post.

I had thought that I would have an entire week to curl up in my bed to make up for the lack of opportunity over the weekend. However, the church camp they were going to got canceled. Which is honestly a relief for me, even if it means I have to find ways to keep them entertained, which will probably mean I won’t be getting to recharge at all. I’d been stressing over the fact that other camps were reporting numerous cases of COVID and being that most of the campers they would be with would ineligible for the vaccine had me concerned. I tried to tell myself that they have the vaccine and therefore should be fine, but it didn’t completely stop the worry. The camp making the decision for me lifted that weight. And I didn’t have to be the “bad guy” to my kids. Instead I’m the hero that is setting up play dates with their friends to make up for the week of fun they had been expecting.

Of course, that’s opening up a whole lot of anxiety on my part, but I’m constantly proving that I’m unable to take care of myself because I’d rather take care of everyone else. I fully expect a melt down to occur before the end of the week. Perhaps I should warn my husband?