Illogical

Wouldn’t it be nice if feelings were logical and could be charted as nicely as the above photo? I try to logic my way out of my anxiety and it never works.

For example, today was a church day. For months now, we’ve watched worship at home on the live stream, then I take the kids to the church to have in person Sunday School while I sit outside in the courtyard and visit with a friend or two. Well, today it was wet outside due to a storm last night. So we stayed inside. No one else was wearing a mask. I tried to logic myself into taking mine off, but just couldn’t. I have all the data that everyone keeps sharing with me (vaccines are 95% effective, CDC says vaccinated individuals don’t need to wear masks, etc.) but I just can’t bring myself to take off the mask in public indoor spaces. I even reminded myself that my kids are only two days away from being considered “fully vaccinated,” so I don’t have to worry about spreading anything to them accidentally. It doesn’t help.

Which wouldn’t be a big deal, except when I wear a mask in places where no one else is doing so I also get anxious. My brain can’t help thinking things like “Do they think I’m a freak for wearing a mask still?” “Do they think I didn’t get the vaccine?” “Do they talk about me being paranoid when I’m not around?” I know it’s illogical to think anyone has any thoughts one way or another about me. But I can’t seem to stop the anxiety from creeping in.

And I can’t concentrate on what the person in front of me is saying because of the internal monologue going on in my head. A woman from church that I don’t know super well came up and started talking to me all about her health. My internal monologue went something like this: “Why is she talking to me? We don’t even know each other all that well. Why does she feel she needs to tell me all about her medical history? This wouldn’t have happened if I’d been able to go outside. I could have retreated into safety and not been bombarded by this woman’s tales of woe. But I don’t want to seem impolite. How do I get out of this conversation? My friend is standing over there waiting for me. Is he going to leave before I can get away from her? If he does, who will I talk to while I wait for the kids get out? Surely she’s got somewhere to be. I wonder if I could just go home while they are in class. No one will notice I’m gone. Then I won’t have to talk to anyone at all.”

The woman finally left to get to her class and I slipped into an out of the way corner with my friend and we were able to make small talk. But even while we were talking I had another internal monologue going on: “I’m sure he’s tired of talking to just me every Sunday. He’s mentioned several times today about Sunday School classes that have invited him to join. Since he and I are the only ones from our Sunday School class that meet up every week he’s probably going to join one of them. Is he expecting me to join one too? Do I really feel ready to sit in a classroom with people? I’m barely hanging on here in the hallway where people keep looking at me as they pass by. Did the other people from our Sunday School class that were in the atrium end up leaving? Or do they think we were rude and abandoned them? Am I keeping him from being with the people he actually wants to be with? If he does manage to get everyone back together again, will I be comfortable attending? If I don’t, how will they interpret that? They’ll probably think I’m a freak too. Is it time to leave yet?”

After the kids were done, we came home and I realized that the kids’ camp being canceled means I actually have to cook this week after all. So I made a meal plan and grocery list, then told my husband I needed to go to the grocery store. While I was talking to him he said “I know you don’t want to make a decision right now – and you don’t have to – but I went ahead and got tickets for opening and closing nights for American Idiot. You can go to one, none, or both if you want to.” My chest immediately got tight and I could feel tears starting to creep into my eyes. I just said “Okay. I have to go to the grocery store” and I walked away. Logically it is very kind of him to understand that I cannot make this decision right now and to leave it open for me to decide later. However, something about him choosing to get tickets for two nights made my stomach tighten. I really can’t tell you what this feeling I have might be. I don’t know if it’s jealousy that he wants to spend time with other people instead of me. Or maybe because he doesn’t have any problem with being in public places maskless and I’m not. Or maybe it’s because I know he’s trying to be understanding but I feel like I’m being left behind. And I’m sure there’s a limit to how understanding he can be before he gets tired of it and me. After all, he’d much rather hang out with his friends than come home to messed up me. And I don’t blame him. But it hurts anyway.

And now it is time for our weekly Family Zoom… We have skipped the last two weeks due to busy schedules, so this week it’s happening. I should already be online, but I don’t have anything to say and I don’t want to muster the energy to listen to them or hide my emotions from them. But then my inner monologue worries that they will think I’m rude, while at the same time worrying that they won’t even notice if I’m not there.

See. Illogical. Nothing that goes on in my brain is logical. But I can’t seem to logic my way out of all of these feelings, as much as I want to. I’m completely and utterly hopeless.