Exposure Therapy

Ive been doing a lot of reading about social anxiety lately (for obvious reasons) and I’ve seen that “exposure therapy” can be helpful. Where you put yourself into the very situations that make you uncomfortable, in tolerable doses.

My daughter loves the zoo. When she was three she said she wanted to be a “zookeeper for the birds.” At seven she added otters. At nine she decided she wanted to save the manatees. Now she says she just knows she wants to work with animals and to save the world. 🥰 So when their camp got canceled, one of the ideas I had was to take them to the zoo. Which also felt a little scary because of crowds. But I wanted my girl to be happy, and I was not disappointed. She was absolutely giddy the entire day.

My son didn’t want to go at first, until I reminded him that there are lots of Pokémon Go stops at the zoo.

Once everyone was on board I had to decide if we would bring a picnic or buy food there. Buying food there meant going indoors, but we really didn’t have much in the way of picnic food here. So we grabbed a few snacks and filled our water bottles and hoped for the best. Then it took me 15 minutes to decide what to wear because I hadn’t done laundry and none of my clean clothes were equally comfortable for the heat and looking invisible. I finally went with clothes that drew less attention to me, even if it meant I’d be sweating more.

I made the mistake of choosing a time that meant we had to drive in rush hour traffic. Stressful enough, but my GPS kept me aware of the slow spots and our ETA, so that helped. What did not help was the fact that my GPS doesn’t seem to have the most current road information and started telling me to exit in places there was no exit, didn’t show me what to do when I had two choices, and had me on the edge of freaking out when I finally saw the sign for the zoo exit.

We arrived in one piece and the parking lot was relatively empty (they hadn’t filled the close lot yet), so that helped me feel a bit more comfortable. We brought our masks, but felt safe only wearing them when we were indoors or in tight spaces with others.

The longer we were there, the more comfortable I became. Seeing my daughter’s enthusiastic reactions to every animal we came to made it easy to turn the focus on her, rather than me. After less than an hour she had declared it the best day ever. This kept me going more than anything.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t have anxiety. I spent a lot of the time holding my kids back as families would pass by so we didn’t get too close. I made them wear their masks when we got into areas where it wasn’t possible to keep our distance. I avoided attractions that had crowds when I could or we would stand at a distance until people moved on.

But then it was lunch time. The kids were hungry and not only did they want to eat food from the zoo cafe, but they wanted to eat inside where there was air conditioning to cool off for awhile. I kind of wanted to also, to be honest. It was hot. So we wore our masks to order our food and any time we got up from our table, but we ate inside. This is only the second time I’ve done this since before the pandemic. I kept reminding myself that all three of us are vaccinated, so we are as protected as we can be.

As the day progressed I really did find myself feeling better. I even made comments to other families as they would discuss animal exhibits if I knew the answer to their question. But when my kids wanted to go to the gift shop and use the money they had brought with them, I did feel anxious to get out as quickly as possible because it looked like it would be raining soon and I just knew everyone was going to come in to stay dry. Thankfully, that never happened and it barely sprinkled, even though we could hear the rumbling of thunder in the distance.

The return drive started with a high level of anxiety because of the construction blocking the entrance ramp the GPS wanted me to use. Once I was on a road I was familiar with I was able to calm down, but I may have sounded a bit panicky when I would yell at my phone “I can’t merge here, there’s no ramp!” Or “Why do you want me to go there, that’s the opposite direction!” (I tend to talk to my phone a lot when it’s giving me directions I don’t understand.)

When we got home, the kids had tons of fun filling their dad in on their day. And hearing their enthusiasm (even from my son, who didn’t originally want to go) made it all worth it. I would do it again… for them.

I can face my fears for them. So maybe that’s how I need to look at making an appointment with a therapist. I need to do it for them. If I’m too scared to do it for me, I should do it for them. They need a mom that isn’t afraid to take them places. I used to take them all over the place before the pandemic. The zoo is a good start. It helped that is was mostly outside. But it’s awfully hot to do only outdoor things. I’m getting there. But I’m sure a therapist would help it not feel like as high a mountain to climb.

Overall, I’m proud of myself for today. It wasn’t perfect and there are a few moments that keep replaying in my head, but I faced my fears, had a great day, and made my kids super happy. That’s a win.