Planning

I get so jealous of people that don’t get anxious about things like time or phones or money or travel or anything. I wish I could be laid back and carefree. Three years ago my husband decided to book a trip for the four of us and keep the destination a surprise. He said he didn’t want me to plan anything. This completely freaked me out. He had made no hotel reservations, just plane tickets to one destination, a rental car, and return plane tickets from a different city. We had 9 days to get from A to B, but that’s the only thing he planned. The rest was just “we’ll do what we feel like doing at the moment.” When I plan a vacation, I want to know everything. Where we are staying, local restaurants we might want to try (I only make reservations if I know we want to go to a specific place and it tends to be busy, ie: Disney), activities we will do, etc. I don’t want to leave anything up to chance. What if there aren’t any hotel rooms available? What if we spend so much time trying to decide what to do that we don’t have time to do anything? What if, what if, what if…

Looking back on that vacation, it was probably my favorite. We did things I wouldn’t have planned (like seeing fireworks on the beach in Oregon!) and managed to find hotel rooms for every night (thanks to my Hilton app!). Part of me would love to do something similar again, but the idea terrifies me at the same time.

We are talking about going to Florida for Christmas to see family that lives there. I’m already peeking at hotel and/or Air B’nB places. I want to plan. But I know my husband isn’t ready to plan yet. He and I are so very different in this regard. I always wondered how he could be so laid back, but I’m starting to see that it’s probably my anxiety at work. I need to know what to expect to quiet the worry.

I was listening to a Podcast on the way home from work and the host was talking about how she wished she could get excited about vacations the way other people do. I get that. I spend so much time worrying prior to getting there that I don’t have any excitement. I don’t want that. My mom used to enjoy traveling (pre-kids), but now has major traveling anxiety. So bad that she won’t even come to visit me anymore. And doesn’t even seem to feel bad about that. On the one hand, I get the anxiety, but on the other it makes me feel like I’m not worth fighting through it. I hope I never, ever make my kids feel like they aren’t worth fighting through my anxiety.

I also hope I can get comfortable with the unknown. Let surprises be exciting. Give up the control and just enjoy the moment. I hate that I can’t seem to do that, especially lately.