Sacrifice

There are certain people in your life that you are willing to sacrifice for. You might sacrifice time, or comfort, or money, or any number of things. I am willing to sacrifice my comfort for my children, my husband, and friends and family. But sometimes I don’t feel like that sacrifice is reciprocated.

Today I told my daughter that I thought it would be fair of us to give my son time playing Pokémon Go at the park before archery, since he had gone to the zoo and rock show for her (mostly because we made him). It was hot and miserable and my daughter complained the whole time about the heat. My son had forgotten to pack a water bottle and drank all of his Sonic drink very quickly. So what did he do? Drank my tea. Because that’s what I do. Give up my comfort for his. And he doesn’t even realize it.

I feel like I sacrifice for my husband all the time, but don’t really feel like he does anything for me. Today he is off playing D&D at a friend’s house. Th only “sacrifice” he made was changing it to this weekend instead of last because I had already had plans for the whole family on the calendar. Otherwise, he didn’t even bother asking if I was okay with it. Because I’ve always let him. Pre-pandemic he played games with his friends every Wednesday night for years. Before his vaccine he did sacrifice by playing over zoom instead of in person, so I guess I’m being unfair.

But when he wanted to audition for the Shakespeare show at school the only thing he took into consideration was if he could do it and his homework. Not how it would take him away from his family. Once it was over he started trying to figure out how to work another show into his schedule once his nursing courses begin in the fall. I told him that regardless of what his nursing schedule ends up being, if he does a show he will not see his kids. They will be in school during the day and he will be rehearsing at night. I told him that after I did Fiddler on the Roof seven years ago I realized I could not do any more shows until my kids are older or they are involved too because it took me away from them too much. I don’t think it has changed his plans any.

Yet when my church needed tech help with their production of Sound of Music and he agreed to do it with the kids and me, he started balking at the rehearsal schedule combined with his class work. Never mind the fact that this will be only two weeks where his Shakespeare show took six weeks. But I’m sure he sees this as sacrificing for me, even though I only asked him because he had said he wanted tech experience.

I know I’m being grumbly today. I just feel like moms in general do almost all of the sacrificing. We sacrifice for our kids. We sacrifice for our spouse. And we get little to no thanks for it. I’m not asking for grand gestures or anything, but acknowledgement might be nice. And maybe some reciprocation? Or am I as bad as they are and not noticing their sacrifices for me? Do they think they do things for me that I don’t notice? I try to notice, but maybe I’m too self absorbed?

This last week was when my kids should have been at church camp. It got canceled because of several COVID cases in the previous weeks of camp, so the week of wallowing in my anxiety/depression didn’t happen. I sacrificed what I wanted to do (nothing) for my kids’ happiness. And I’m completely exhausted. I know it’s probably better for me that I didn’t get the week in bed I was planning, but at the same time, I feel like all of my emotions are just below the surface and I keep pushing them back down, but know they will bubble over eventually.

My first therapy appointment is only three days away. I can’t stop thinking about it and wondering how it will go. Will I be a total mess? Will I be able to pull myself back together by the time my kids are done with VBS? Will I like this therapist? What will she recommend going forward?

I really need to stop asking questions that can’t be answered before it happens. It does me no good and only makes things worse. When I’m trying not to obsess about it I sit and play mindless games on my iPad, which makes me feel guilty that I’m not doing anything productive. It’s a no-win situation. So I write. I try to get it all out of my head so I can stop obsessing. It doesn’t really work, but I feel a little more productive.

Now to sacrifice a little more and do the dishes that didn’t get done yesterday because we watched a movie the kids wanted to see. Maybe that can help get my mind off of things.