I just got home from the grocery store. Talk about anxiety inducing! As soon as I pulled up to the parking lot I was tempted to leave and come back another time. It was packed. I had hoped noon on Sunday would mean everyone was just finishing church and going to lunch instead of the grocery store. Apparently not.
I’ve never liked to shop when it’s crowded. You will never ever find me at a Black Friday sale. I let my Costco membership lapse when I went back to work and could only go in the evening or on weekends because no amount of bulk savings is worth that level of anxiety. I started using curbside pickup for groceries long before the pandemic and had no problem forking over the $5 fee for the convenience. Most of the time I stick with curbside, but occasionally I have items that I know I need to see to choose rather than trying to describe what I want and the employee picking my groceries decides it’s too much trouble and says it’s out of stock and I have to go inside anyway. Today was one of those days.
I’m a tunnel vision, make a list, get out as fast as you can kind of shopper. I prefer shopping by myself because that way no one can slow me down. Now occasionally (if the store is empty and I have lots of time) I can browse. But if it’s crowded, get me out quickly. This trait only intensified from the pandemic. It’s always been there.
Today my son asked to come with me to the store. That thought terrified me. I tried everything I could think of to convince him he didn’t want to go. “I’m going inside, not doing pickup.” “Okay.” “You’ll have to wear a mask.” “Okay.” “I’ll need my phone because it has my list on it, so you won’t get to play Pokémon while we shop.” “That’s fine.” *facepalm*
Nothing worked, so I took him with me. I might have driven right through the parking lot and declared tonight a fend for yourself night for dinner, but I didn’t want him to see my fear. So we went inside. He took the cart and I spent the entire time with a hand out behind me to make sure he wouldn’t run into the back of my legs if I stopped (he never did, but it’s happened enough in the past to keep me cautious).
I always have a list. This started when my twins were babies and I didn’t want to go any more than necessary. And recently I’ve started using the Kroger app for my list because it organizes everything by aisle, making my trip even more streamlined. Way back when, I would write my list, then reorganize it into the order of where I knew it would be in the store and write it again before heading out. Then one day I walked into the store and they had completely rearranged the aisles. Instant panic.
With my son along for the trip, my sense of urgency was doubled. Maybe even tripled. As we navigated aisles, items would catch his eye (brownie mix) or remind him of something he hadn’t told me he needed (Lucky Charms). I don’t typically impulse buy because I use my list and barely look at the shelves that don’t contain my items (like I said, tunnel vision). He kept up a constant stream of chatter, which I couldn’t pay attention to because I was on a mission and couldn’t focus on both his rambling and the task of getting the hell out of there.
Many people complain about self checkout. I, for one, prefer it. Usually. Not being forced into conversation with the cashier and sacking my groceries the way I like it sound like a win to me! Unfortunately, today was one of those self checkout days. One where it yells at you for every little thing. “Place item in bagging area.” I did. “Please scan all items.” I did. “Help is on the way.” Why?! I’ve done nothing wrong!
We finally got checked out and escaped the store. But it wasn’t until I’d put everything away and sat down to type that I started to feel a little less anxious. Though, truth be told, I’m still not completely recovered. Why does something so routine have to feel so draining?
I’m also feeling anxiety about this afternoon. I volunteered my whole family to help out with the church musical (Sound of Music) and today is the first day we are going to help. It’s just setting up the stage for rehearsals throughout the week, and I know everyone there. But I plan to wear my mask. I know others will not be. And my husband probably won’t. But after hearing that one of our counselors at camp was one of the ones to get a positive COVID test (and he is vaccinated), I don’t feel comfortable going without. I’m not sure if volunteering was a good idea. But I said we’d do it back in May when I thought having my kids vaccinated would make me feel better. It hasn’t. But backing out of something I said I’d do gives me anxiety too, so it’s a no-win situation. *sigh*
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