Social Anxiety Challenge #7

Task #7: Write 3-5 things you’d do if Social Anxiety wasn’t an issue.

I’m a list maker, so this challenge should be easy. Except, I’m not sure I know enough about myself to really know what I want to do. I do so many things for other people that I’m not sure what to do beyond that. But I think that maybe the reason I mostly do things for others is because of my anxiety. I am willing/able to push past my anxiety for others (like meeting up with people so my kids can see friends), but when it’s just for me I can’t seem to do it.

So here goes… a list of things I’d do, in no particular order:

• Join a class to learn something new.

My daughter has been doing aerial arts for several years now and it looks so hard, but fun. I’ve often thought I’d love to try it, but I’m just too afraid of looking like a fool when I can’t do any of the moves. We discovered a new aerial class that is outdoors and my daughter has been doing a camp with them for the last three days. Being a nature lover, she’s really enjoyed the outdoor experience and has decided that she would like to continue weekly classes through them, rather than returning to her former studio. I’d looked at the class schedule, thinking maybe I could try it while the kids are at school, but the classes are all on the weekend and at first I dismissed it as not possible. But I realized yesterday that it should be okay for me to take time for myself, even when the kids are home. My husband does it all the time, so why can’t I?

So I asked my daughter if she thought I could learn to do it and she got really excited about the idea but wasn’t sure how my wrist would do (I broke it two years ago and it still gives me problems). So this morning when I dropped her off I asked the instructor for her opinion. The instructor felt like most of what they do would be no problem, but that I could adapt if needed. She then said that my daughter is old enough and advanced enough to do the adult class with me on Sunday mornings at 11:30. We get out of church at 10:45, so that could work perfectly. It would give us just enough time to change and get to the meadow where the class is held. And maybe we could have a mommy/daughter lunch afterward. I think that would be a great habit to establish as we enter the teen years. And having her there with me might help push me through my anxiety.

• Go on a girl’s trip with a friend or two.

I’ve been on two “girl’s trips” in my adult life. One with the woman that later became my surrogate and one with my sister. I guess you could sort of count my mission trip to Jamaica, but that was more work than play (rewarding, but not entirely relaxing). I see pictures of other people taking trips with their friends and I’m jealous. Why don’t I have those kinds of friends? I’ve never been invited on one, though I’ve heard many “we should…” comments. But they never go beyond that. Maybe I need to take the initiative and get a trip planned rather than wait for someone else to do the inviting. The next question is who. Who do I want to spend a weekend with? And what would we do? I can’t even think of something to do with my husband! Pre-pandemic I feel like I could have come up with something. Now I have no idea what I’d be comfortable doing. This is one I’m going to have to work on. But I’m really hoping I can make it happen.

• Travel solo (maybe a women’s retreat?).

On more than one occasion I’ve looked at retreats online that intrigued me. Two years ago I looked at Christian Women’s retreats trying to find one I could attend. Right after I started looking I was contacted by a group called Teaching With Jamaica to help build a library in a school. After prayer and discussing it with my husband, I decided to go. We spent from October to July preparing for the trip. The other librarians going were people I knew, which helped me feel a little more comfortable in this large group of teachers that we went with. But all those months gave me lots of time to build up the “what if” scenarios in my head and by the time our trip came I was terrified. I wasn’t the only one. One of the other librarians felt the same way. The first few days were hard and we both swore we would not return. But by the end of the trip, we both felt completely different and were excited about returning the next year. Then the pandemic struck and the trip was canceled. I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to work up the enthusiasm to go again when they return (they are hoping for 2022).

However, I do think I’d like to try a retreat of some kind. Something to refill my bucket. Maybe a christian retreat, yoga retreat, or a writer’s retreat. When I went on that girl’s trip with my sister, the first half we spent relaxing together (spa treatments and pool time), but the second half she was attending a conference, so my days were spent alone. It was actually quite nice. One night I even dined at a hibachi grill alone, seated with two other families. I would like to push myself to be comfortable being alone.

• Have friends over for dinner.

My husband and I have always said we’d love to invite people over to BBQ or have game nights. We have a few times, but not much. Our house stays pretty messy most of the time and we really would need to clean before inviting anyone over, but I’m such a perfectionist that the thought of cleaning to company ready status overwhelms me. At one point I tried to follow Fly Lady’s routine to prevent CHAOS (Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome) and it worked well while I kept up with it, but with the pandemic, no one could come over anyway, so what was the point? Now it’s back to awful and I’m intimidated about getting it back in shape. Perhaps the kids return to school is the perfect option to get back into the Fly Lady routine.

• Home renovation.

We’ve lived in our house for 14 years now. There are LOTS of things that need repair. Our dishwasher broke months ago and we’ve been hand washing dishes ever since. But I noticed that there must have been a leak because under the sink has gone moldy. This is a health issue that I know needs to be taken care of, but the thought of calling someone to take care of it terrifies me. I feel like I won’t know the right questions to ask or will be taken advantage of because I know nothing. And then I feel like, if we are going to take care of the mold, we will probably have to rip out and replace the cabinets, which means we should replace the floors in the kitchen, which means we should probably replace the floors though the whole hose while we are at it… it just keeps snowballing. I know this is something that needs to be done. And I’d love it if my husband would do something about it so I don’t have to. But that doesn’t seem likely to happen. When I asked him if he could call someone about the mold he responded with “Do you want me to call someone?” Duh. I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want you to! I ended up emailing a company and giving my husband’s email address. Turns out that company can’t come in until we have the mold assessed. My husband gave me this information then seems to have washed his hands of the situation and the ball is back in my court. It’s been over a week and I’ve done nothing. Once again, it’s up to me to get anything done. Why does it have to be so hard for me to just set up an appointment? I hate this. But I guess I can’t depend on his help and will just have to find a way to push myself to do it.

That’s all I can think of for now. Maybe I can add to the list as I think of more. It’s been helpful to think through what I have been wanting to do, but haven’t because of Social Anxiety. At least it gives me a bit of a goal to work towards.