Opening night

I think I mentioned that my whole family is volunteering backstage in our church’s production of Sound of Music. Last night was opening night.

I started working in theatre in high school and went on to get a degree to teach. I worked as a Theatre teacher for five years until my health made it difficult to maintain the long hours of teaching and rehearsals. At that point I had been working on my masters in Library Science, and despite not being quite done, found a job in a school library. Since then I have only been involved in one other production (7 years ago) and it was also at my church.

This time around I was put in charge of the scene changes. Once the set pieces were established, I assigned crew or actors to move each one at the appropriate times. I was very meticulous and made a spreadsheet to help both sides of the stage know who should do what and when. And while a set piece addition at the last minute irritated me at the time, I enjoy problem solving and got it taken care of. I have received praise from the directors and cast regarding how smoothly and quickly set changes are happening.

So why is it that the only thing I focus on is what I did wrong or how I could have done better? My son is doing the same thing. If he puts a set piece down wrong, he goes backstage and buries his head so no one will see him cry. I have said to him repeatedly that everyone makes mistakes and the great thing about live theatre is that you just keep going. I gave the same speech to one of my crew members when there was a mic mishap. Yet I can’t get it through my own head and even this morning I keep replaying the mistakes I made.

I’ve never been great at receiving praise, even though I crave it. My love language is Words of Affirmation, yet when someone does tell me I’m doing a good job I either think they are only saying it and don’t really mean it or they must not have really been paying attention. I always think I could do better. I’ve had to force myself the last few days to just say “Thank you” when people have given me complements, instead of brushing their way aside.

Last night I felt like Act I went really well, then the second act crashed and burned, tech wise. Mics weren’t working, props broke, zippers got stuck, and cues were missed. My husband, who was doing sound and not backstage, had no idea any of that was happening (except the mic, of course). I have to admit that one of the things I love about working crew for theatre is the problem solving. And we did plenty of that last night!

So why do I keep seeing the negative, instead of seeing how we fixed each problem on the spot? I mostly keep beating myself up for my personal mistakes and praise others for their solutions. Why can’t I be as kind to myself as I am to them?

I’m determined to shift my mindset. Though I’m not quite sure how. I need to treat myself the way I treat others. With kindness and compassion. I need to forgive myself just as I forgive others. The show must go on!