I have to admit that I have not been completely open and honest with others. Not even those closest to me. My husband hears about my struggles with my friends and family, but I don’t tell him about how his actions make me feel. I may complain to my aunt or mother in law about my husband, but I don’t share how they contribute to my stress. My friends hear about the fears I have regarding COVID, but not about social interactions. There is not any one person that knows all of me.
I know it’s normal to be different depending on who you are with. It makes total sense that one would be more relaxed with some people vs others. And sometimes you just have to vent about a situation with another person so you can talk it out and move it on without needing to hurt the person’s feelings. But there are also times when complaining to others does nothing for easing the tension and if the other person doesn’t know they are doing anything to hurt you they will not change their actions.
Tuesday morning I finally pushed past my insecurities about how my husband would react to how I felt and told him that his actions turned his words of support into lies. I told him that when when he disregarded my anxiety about him getting our son to band camp on time I felt unsupported. And when he snapped “it’s not a guarantee!” at me when I said vaccinated people can still get COVID I felt like he was dismissive of my anxiety. I said “You may say you want to help and that you support me, but you don’t act like it. And part of me wonders why I wear a mask when you’re going around maskless and bringing all your germs home to us.”
He sat in silence for an uncomfortable amount of time. I finally said “Now that I’ve successfully ruined everyone’s day, I’ll go check on the kids,” and I walked away. As I closed the door I heard him say “I’m trying to process.”
I didn’t have a chance to talk to him the rest of the day but on Wednesday he wore his mask to opening night. I made sure to say thank you even though it felt awkward, given the fact that we hadn’t discussed anything further. And he didn’t cut it nearly as close as the first day when taking our son to band camp the rest of the week. Clearly saying something to him instead of venting to others made some kind of difference.
Last night he even admitted that the current data coming out about the vaccinated and COVID supports wearing masks. But he also told me that he wore the mask for me, before he’d seen the data. He also told me that he does wear a mask when he’s in public, he just felt like he was far enough away from people the majority of the time at rehearsals that it didn’t matter. I said it was hard to see that he wore them anywhere since the only times I’ve been in public with him he did not, which made it feel like he probably never did. I’m glad I was honest with him and let him know how I felt and he didn’t disregard my feelings. I even said something about me being crazy and he said “Those are your words. I do not think you are crazy. At least not for that.”
It’s still hard to think about telling my friend how her words about anxiety being “fine” until you let it take over your life hurt. Or that her not responding to the text I sent asking for a word she would use to describe me (from day 1 of the social anxiety challenge) made me feel unimportant. Or that her hot and cold reactions regarding what she deems safe or not are confusing and make me think maybe she needs a bit of therapy herself. It’s probably not a conversation I should attempt to have over text, but that seems to be the only way we communicate. I probably ought to tell her if I want our friendship to get back to where it once was.
And then there’s my “best friend” that I feel like a stranger around ever since covid. How do I tell her I feel as if we have nothing in common anymore? Or that I don’t feel like she has time for me, nor the desire to make time? She used the term “bestie” the last time we spoke, but I really don’t feel that way currently. I don’t know if that’s just me or if she feels the same. I don’t even know if there’s any friendship left to revive.
It’s time for me to also be honest with myself. I frequently tell myself that no one likes me or really wants me around. That people just put up with me. But that can’t possibly be true. Sure, no one thinks to call me up or invite me anywhere, but when do I reach out? What is it I really want? Who do I want to be? Who is the me without anxiety? These are thoughts I need to dive into more and will probably explore in future posts.
For now, I’m happy that being honest with my husband made a difference. Perhaps it can help push me to be honest with others as well.
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