Pushing through

I’m realizing that so many of the things I don’t do are because of anxiety. Here are a few ways I’m trying to push through.

Selfies

That picture up there? My daughter made a paper crown and placed it on my head. I took the selfie so I could see what it looked like. Did I look at the crown, my smile, or my daughter’s excitement? No, of course not. All I could see was the frizzy hair, the lines around my eyes, the double chin, and the mess on the shelf behind me. I spend way too much time focused on the negative. So I’m pushing through my anxiety and posting the picture anyway.

Adulting

I’ve done a few other things to push throughout anxiety today too. I woke up this morning and realized it was time to mow the lawn again. In the summer heat, I usually have to split it into two days. I’ve had terrible luck with lawn services. We have had more than one just stop showing up with no warning and no response. I had lined one up a month or so ago only for him to decide he couldn’t fit us in and we should go with someone else. So when a lawn service left a card on our door yesterday I decided to give them a try. It even said I could text! So I sent a message and now have someone coming Monday!!

My kids and I have not been to get a haircut since before the pandas hit. I’ve cut my own hair twice and my daughter’s a few times. I attempted to cut my son’s, but ultimately left that to my husband to take care of. We could all use a real haircut (maybe my hair would frizz less?!). With in person school coming up, I asked the kids if they wanted to cut their hair at home, or make a hair appointment. They both wanted an appointment. Even though it has been a year and a half since I’ve been, I texted my hairdresser to make an appointment. Only to find out she no longer does hair! But she did give me a referral and I immediately sent a text to see about an appointment for my daughter (still waiting to hear). My son goes to a place where we can just walk in, so we will make time next week to do that.

Entertainment

I am a theatre lover. It started when I was very young and my parents would take us to Unicorn Theatre in Houston, where all the performers were kids. We saw every show they did and I have remembered them with fondness. In 8th grade my mom made me take speech to help me with my “shyness.” I was an extra in the Advanced class’s play and got hooked. I was a drama geek through all of high school, working both on stage and behind the scenes. I even went on to major in Theatre in college, working at the community theatre nearby, and taught middle school theatre for five years. Even when I wasn’t participating in theatre, I attended all sorts of productions from professional touring shows to local productions to community theatre and children’s and school productions. I absolutely love live theatre and I’ve made sure take my kids to see as many shows as I can. When my kids had to complete a dream vacation assignment for school, my son chose NYC and Broadway. Love it!

The last live production we’ve seen (other than the one we are involved in now) was at the end of January 2020, We Will Rock You at our local high school. I was able to see some of my former students perform a few months ago over live stream, which was great but not quite the same. And I saw my husband in Measure for Measure, but it was invite only, so the audience size was small.

My husband asked me a month ago if I wanted to go see a show in August that a friend was going to be in. At the time I told him “I have no idea how I will feel in August.” He decided to get tickets and I could decide when I was ready. Well, that is coming up this Friday. Earlier in the week I told him I didn’t want to go. But today I told him I would. We haven’t had a date night in a year and a half. Hopefully I can stick to this decision.

I also saw an ad for a Cirque performance nearby. My daughter loves aerial and when we took our kids to see Cirque on ice two years ago they loved it. So I bought tickets. Now, I paid premium pricing so we are in the front row and I can pretend there is no one sitting behind us, but I did it. I committed to going to see a show in public. This is something I wouldn’t have thought twice about before covid.

I know that I’m a work in progress and while I took action today to push through my anxiety, I know I will have to keep making that choice every day. There will be times when I can’t and that needs to be okay. I’m trying (so hard) to love myself as I love others.