After listening to an episode of Your Social Anxiety Bestie in which she interviewed Ellen Hendrikson, author of How To Be Yourself, I immediately purchased the ebook.
So much of what Hendrikson said in the interview resonated with me. In particular, when she talked about people that have social anxiety being able to be actors because there is a pre-determined structure to it. I used to say that I enjoyed acting because I got to pretend I was someone I wasn’t and never could be. I could pretend to be a cheerleader or a pregnant hairdresser or a mischievous hobgoblin. People were always shocked to find out that the shy little girl that had always tried to fade into invisibility was performing on stage in front of an audience. It suddenly made sense that the structure of speaking words that were written by someone else and being told where to stand and what to do by the director built a safety net around me. There was no guessing how to respond or where I fit in. Even backstage, like this past week, it was clear when and where I was needed. That made it much more comfortable than figuring it out on my own.
I’ve made it about halfway through the book so far and there are so many stories of others’ experiences that sound eerily familiar. When Aisha can finally get through a presentation because she is helping others, I realized that is how I make myself push through my anxiety. Doing it for someone else. Most of the time it’s for my kids. I joined play groups when they were young because I wanted them socializing because we weren’t putting them in daycare. I can call the pediatrician to make an appointment for my son much easier than I can call my own doctor to ask for a refill. I know it’s completely irrational, but having it written in this book makes me feel “normal” within the anxiety world. And if others can start from the same place and make strides to overcome their anxiety, I can too.
The introduction of the Inner Critic as a character in our heads that folds under cross examination makes total sense. When the Inner Critic tries to convince you that the world is going to end if you go to that party or make that phone call, ask it to specify exactly what the worst thing that could happen would be. Once that is defined, ask it three questions:
- “How bad would that really be?”
- “What are the odds?”
- “How could I cope?”
I remember saying to my therapist that I don’t even know what exactly I’m scared of when it comes to emerging from the pandemic. There’s just a huge feeling that *something* bad will happen. So I’m going to try to cross examine my anxiety here:
“What’s the worst that could happen?”
Inner Critic: “You could get sick. Or worse, you could get the virus, but because you’re vaccinated, you won’t know it and then you’ll give it to someone that’s not able to be vaccinated or who is immune compromised. Then it would be your fault if they get super sick and die,”
“How bad would that really be?”
Inner Critic: “Really bad. I mean, no one deserves to die just because you left the house.”
“What are the odds?”
Inner Critic: “I’m not sure, exactly, but this Delta variant is no joke. It’s spreading like crazy and with so many people going without a mask, it’s not surprising. Granted, people that are vaccinated are not likely to need hospitalization, but young kids can’t have a vaccine and your kids’ friends are not old enough.”
“How could I cope?”
Inner Critic: “I couldn’t. I would feel incredibly guilty.”
Okay, maybe I haven’t figured out how to do this right. My Inner Critic is not letting go. I’ll need to try again. 🤦♀️
Something else I read that really resonated was to give yourself tangible tasks to complete to prove to yourself you can do it. Not “be more confident,” but “make three phone calls.” That way you know when you’ve completed the task. I’ve been doing that some on my own. The Social Anxiety Challenge was exactly this. I have also tried to go to restaurants, did the show at church, attended the cast party, and have plans to see a show this weekend with my husband. I’m trying to show myself that I am capable and that my worst case scenario won’t happen.
At this point, I think I need to pause reading further and work on the skills I’ve read about so far. I wish just reading it was enough. It makes total sense, intellectually. But putting it into practice is going to take some effort. I can’t stay the way I am. I want to be me without anxiety. And I’m ready to put in that effort. (Be quiet, Inner Critic!)
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