This week was a doozie. I’m realizing that I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself to protect everyone around us. Not just my family, but our friends and even strangers. My biggest fear right now is that we could potentially harm someone else unknowingly.
Let me back up. I think I mentioned that my son was tested for covid (and strep and flu) on Saturday and everything was negative, so we went about our weekend as if he had a cold. Then he started running a fever and stayed home from school Monday and Tuesday. On Tuesday the pediatrician tested him for all of the same things again, and again they were negative. However, because of the fever (which I pointed out), they decided to send off for the PCR covid test, just in case. At the time I was 99% sure it would be negative as well. But then last night we found out that one of the kids’ best friends has tested positive for covid. So my immediate thought was “Oh no. My son got his friend sick.” And I don’t even know the results of the PCR test yet, but his friend’s positive has my brain convinced that he has it and it’s our fault his unvaccinated friend is now sick.
Of course, I realize (on some level) that this is one of the cognitive distortions that my counselor has talked about.
Personalization – The belief that one is responsible for events outside of their own control.
I blame myself, when really there’s no one to blame. As far as we know, my son does not have covid. And even if he does, he hasn’t been with that friend since last Friday, when my son first started showing symptoms beyond a sore throat. My daughter has been fine. Not a single symptom, so there’s no reason to believe that she could have anything to spread to others.
We talked today about how my daughter is such a mini-me. She has the same fears and worries I had at her age, which scares me. I don’t want her to end up a complete mess of anxiety like I am. But I worry that I’m passing that on to her the way my mom passed it on to me (and her mom, etc.) Again, I’m personalizing. I don’t know how to stop!
My counselor recommended working on mindfulness exercises this week. She mentioned an app called Headspace as well as using my grounding exercises that I’ve tried to use with others (5 senses). I think part of my problem is that I don’t always realize that I’m worrying over things until something triggers me into exploding. I think I need to try to be better about doing the mediations, either in Abide (the Christian meditation app I’ve got) or with Headspace. Instead of thinking I don’t have time or space, I need to make the time and find the space. I need to make it a daily habit. I need to trade my worry habit for something more helpful. I need to find a way to stop letting anxiety tell me what to think.
***edited to add***
My son’s PCR covid test came back negative!!
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