Overwhelmed

I’m feeling so overwhelmed today and I’m having a hard time grounding myself in the here and now. I thought maybe blogging would help.

Yesterday I woke up with the same headache I’d had for several days and my voice was going. On top of that, I started smelling smoke (like when my husband cooks on his smoker). I made the mistake of googling, which only added to my anxiety.

Google is not my friend when I’m experiencing anxiety. So I made a telehealth appointment with my primary doctor. The appointment was at 3:30, which meant I had all day to worry over what could be going on and if they were going to want me to do a COVID test (I’ve made it through the whole pandemic without one so far). I figured I had time to pick up my daughter from school (son was still home sick) and get back before I needed to log in at 3:20. But I got a text from the office saying “It’s time to start your telehealth visit” when I’d just picked her up and was on my way home. So, of course I was freaking out. Even though it was only 3:05. I got home as fast as I could (darn construction) and immediately went to my room and got onto my computer to log in at 3:15. Then I waited. And waited. I realized that I was being anxious without cause. But it’s something I can’t seem to help.

At 3:20 I got a phone call from the nurse to go over all the pre-visit screening they always do. Symptoms, meds, mental health… When we got to the mental health questions I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry as I answered “yes, more than half the time” to most of the questions. When she asked if I had thoughts of harming myself or ending my life I said “Not yet.” I did assure her that I’ve been in therapy since July, which she was glad to hear.

The doctor came on the computer screen a little after 3:30 and we went back over everything I had told the nurse. All about how my son has been home for a week with cough, congestion, and a fever, but has had 3 negative COVID tests (2 rapid, 1 PCR). She thanked me for getting him tested. I said I’d had a headache for several days that I chalked up to stress, but then my voice started to go and I started smelling things no one else in the house smells. We talked a bit more about the headache and she said that the ragweed is really high right now and I may have some sinus inflammation even if I’m not congested. She suggested Flonase and a steroid. No mention of a COVID test for me. Whew! One less thing to worry about, at least.

She also talked to me about my answers to the mental health questions. I assured her that I’m working on it with a therapist. She told me she was glad I was seeking help, but if I ever felt the need to discuss medication to give her a call. I told her I was hoping that therapy would do the trick, as I’m on so many medications already and don’t want to throw things off adding another if I can help it. She said she understood, but if I needed it she would make sure to check against my list of heart meds to make sure they would be compatible. It did feel good to know that’s an option. I’m sticking to therapy a bit longer, but I’m not completely rejecting adding meds to the mix if it can help.

Today has been rough. I got the results from the mold inspection we had done on Tuesday (something I’d been putting off for months because… anxiety) and now we are able to look into having it removed. The cabinet under our sink is filled with mold spores that need to be professionally removed. I talked to my husband about it this morning and he started listing off all the things we need to do. I told him as calmly as possible “I am going to need help. I can’t do it all by myself.” He looked shocked. Not that I need help, but that I thought he wasn’t giving any. I explained that when I start trying to look at the big picture my brain gets overwhelmed and my chest feels tight and I can’t breathe and then I do nothing. I need one step at a time. But his argument is that we need to know where we want to get in order to know what steps to take. I told him I can’t do that right now. My anxiety starts seeing all the work and I just want to run and hide. I told him that I can’t make big decisions because I’m afraid I’ll get them wrong and then I don’t do anything at all. He said he would try to help break it down into less overwhelming steps for me. Then proceeded to give me the task of finding a remodeling company recommendation. I don’t think he understands what overwhelming means.

He then told me that he is wanting to fly to Illinois to join a group of his friends in preparing for the conference he attends every year in March (last two years have been cancelled due to covid, but they plan to go in 2022). He calls this group “Spray Team.” They are a bunch of gaming nerds that get together and paint models to use in tabletop gaming. This team is getting everything that the convention itself will bring to the conference. He’s been doing this for several years now. But the thought of him getting on a plane immediately put a lump in my throat. I asked “You feel comfortable getting on a plane? Not getting on a plane was the reason I gave my aunt for not going to my cousin’s wedding reception.” He seemed taken aback. He said that everyone in the group had agreed to get a COVID test before going to help everyone feel comfortable. I said “But you’ll be stuck in a metal box with people breathing the same air and as we’ve seen from the kids’ friend, masks don’t mean you won’t get it.” He started looking at how long a drive it would be (12 hours) and asked if that would make me feel better. I don’t know. And then he said they plan to get together again in January and he doesn’t feel comfortable driving in potentially icy weather and would definitely want to fly and asked me if I would want him to quarantine if he flew and then said something about his mom flying to Florida to see his sister after the baby is born and my brain exploded and I just said “I cannot discuss this anymore.” He said “We don’t have to discuss it now, but we do need to discuss it at some point.” I left the room.

I tried using my meditation app to calm myself down. I did breathing exercises and laid on my closet floor to block out all other noise. My husband had to leave to run an errand and while I was still trying to calm myself my daughter knocked on my door. I didn’t hear it at first because I was in the closet. When I realized it I tried my best to pull myself together before opening my door. My daughter said “I don’t want to go to trapeze.” I asked her why. She said “I don’t know, I just don’t want to go.” My son tried to answer for her and I gave him a look, then invited her to come sit in my room to talk to me. I asked her why again, but she still didn’t give me an answer. I told her it’s too late to cancel, as they have a 72 hour cancelation policy. She said she was sorry, but she still didn’t want to go. I told her that if she doesn’t go today, I will not be taking her ever again. Even though she’s had friends that said they want to go with her. She still said she didn’t want to go. Could it be because her brother is not going this time? I kept thinking in my head “This is anxiety. I’m not sure what it’s directed towards, but avoiding it can’t be good. How do I convince her to try?” Does she want Nothing worked. And I started feeling more and more overwhelmed, so I just said “Fine, I won’t make you go. You can go now.” and disappeared back into my closet.

I felt awful. I know she thought I was mad at her. I’m not. I’m sad. I’m sad that my anxiety is being passed to her. I’m sad that I can’t help her because I don’t even know how to help myself. I texted her this: “Please know I am not mad at you. I was already having a bad day and feeling overwhelmed. That’s why I didn’t hear when you knocked. I was in my closet trying to calm my anxiety. Seeing you with anxiety makes me feel like I’m failing you. I feel like I’m giving you my anxiety and I really really don’t want to do that. I told you to leave so you wouldn’t see me lose my hold on my personal anxiety. Because I don’t know how to help. I want to help you, but I feel like I can’t even help myself.” She didn’t respond, but I know she read it. I don’t know if it helped at all.

When my husband came home I told him what had happened. He asked if he should talk to her and I told him honestly that I don’t know. We talked some more and I explained how I feel physically when the anxiety starts to build. I told him that I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest and I can’t breathe and I want to run away and then I do nothing. He told me he understood to some degree and thinks that is where his procrastination comes into play, but he doesn’t get the chest tightening and all that. I told him that what he described is how my anxiety USED to be. But now it’s so much more.

I’m glad I explained it to him. I don’t know that it will change anything, but at least he knows that I’m not just trying to be difficult. I’ve been hiding in my bedroom all morning. It’s only noon. I know I need to pull myself together and focus on now. It’s one of the things my counselor said to do when I start to get overwhelmed. So here goes:

Right now, no one in our household has covid.
Right now, my daughter feels comfortable coming to me.
Right now, I have expressed my feelings to my husband.
Right now, we have the mold inspection done.
Right now, we can have a quiet Saturday at home as a family.
Right now, my son is feeling better.
Right now, I don’t have to to make any decisions.
Right now, God is with me.
Right now, I am loved.