Metacognition

Do you know what metacognition is? Webster’s Dictionary defines it as “awareness or analysis of one’s own learning or thinking processes.” I’ve been doing a lot of that the last couple of days.

Yesterday I started reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown, which was recommended to me by my counselor on Thursday. Only 23 pages in, I found myself underlining dozens of sentences that really hit home. Two things are significant about this. One, I don’t write in books. I’m a librarian. It’s against my religion. And two, this book was speaking to me A LOT. So I took a picture of the cover and sent it to my mom and sister. Again, this is significant, because even though all three of us have anxiety we never talk about it. At least, not directly. I then told them that my counselor and I had determined that my anxiety is largely based in my perfectionism. Which started a texting conversation about our various anxieties (many of ours are the same).

My sister mentioned that Google Maps has helped with 75% of her driving anxiety and she even uses it when she knows how to get to the destination so she can have an ETA and a heads up for traffic. I told her I do the same thing, but sometimes the map doesn’t realize there’s construction and tries to tell you to go a direction that doesn’t exist anymore. Which I have direct experience with when going to the zoo over the summer.

That’s when it hit me that we have plans to go to the zoo again on Tuesday. And we have friends coming with us. Last time the map steered me wrong I totally flipped out and had an anxiety attack while driving. And just thinking about going on Tuesday started to send me into another one. I started downloading other map apps to see if any of them would be better at knowing the current directions.

And then it was time for prayers with the kids. I was totally distracted and when my son kept interrupting my daughter I snapped at him. It was my anxiety exploding out of me. But I couldn’t take it back and he completely shut down. I stopped and took deep breaths and really thought about what had just happened. Then I tried my best to explain to both of my kids what had just happened in my mind and why my reaction was not their fault.

My reasoning for explaining was to help them to recognize how anxieties and might effect how they react to various situations too. I wanted them to be more aware than I have been. And I wanted to give them tools that I never had.

But my admission had another benefit. Which I didn’t realize until later while continuing to read my book. When I got to the part that talks about shame.

Brown says “Shame is basically the fear of being unlovable” and that “the less we talk about shame, the more we have it.” She says “shame needs three things to grow out of control in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgement.” She says that sharing helps us to heal because “shame loses power when it is spoken.”

It had never occur to me that I felt shame. I’ve always said I had a guilt gene (this is something my family talks about often), but shame? Brown says the difference between shame and guilt is that guilt says “I did something bad,” where shame says “I am bad.”

Talk about an Ah-ha Moment. All of the things I’ve done (or not done) out of guilt were less about doing something bad and more about not wanting to be perceived as being bad. For example, my anxiety over being late is less about feeling like the act itself is bad and more that I would be perceived as bad. Does that make sense? And the anxiety I was feeling about the map giving me incorrect information was more about not wanting to appear like a bad driver to the kids that will be with us than an actual fear of getting lost.

I started looking at other aspects of my anxiety, particularly my anxiety related to the pandemic. What is it I’m actually afraid of? I can’t say it’s getting sick, as we are all vaccinated (I’ve even had a booster) and I have confidence that if we were to get it we would recover. So if that’s not it, what is the reason for my anxiety? When I thought there was a possibility that my son had covid and he could have been the one to give it to his friend, I was petrified. I couldn’t explain why, I just felt incredibly guilty (or was it shame?) at even the the possibility that we could have been the reason for our friend’s condition. Perhaps I felt like it meant we were not good enough at doing everything we could to protect others. Even though we wear our masks and limit our indoor public activities. Irrational, I know.

So why would I feel shame? Maybe it’s because of some of the people closest to me vehemently judge anyone that doesn’t wear a mask in public or chooses not to be vaccinated. people that don’t follow the exact same restrictions they do must be out of their minds and care only for themselves. I don’t want to be perceived by them (or others) as not caring enough about others. I mean, one of those friends expressed more concern over the fact that my kids were around hers right before the stomach bug hit us all than with how we were feeling. Is it any wonder I feel like I would be judged?

My aunt is having a reception in California in November for my cousin that got married in May 2020, since no one got to attend the wedding (not even her parents!). My sister asked me if I’d be interested in making a sister trip out of it. I had already told my aunt I would not be going because I did not feel comfortable getting on a plane right now. And I’m still not sure if I’m comfortable. But now I’m questioning why. Is it a fear of catching covid? I don’t think it is. I think it’s more about my general and social anxiety. Getting to the airport on time, going through security (always fun explaining that I can’t go through metal detectors), finding the right terminal, being seated next to a stranger that might not know that masks go over your nose too, finding my way through a strange city… And at least until arriving, I’d be doing it alone. When my husband is with me, at least I know I can count on him to figure things out or lighten the mood. I’ve had way too many airport horror stories to expect smooth sailing.

Then there are the anxieties about being there. My sister intends to stay in a hotel. That means walking through a lobby and sharing ventilation with total strangers, doesn’t it? Isn’t that an added risk? But we are vaccinated, so is that really worth not going? And if we are staying in a hotel, that means we will have to eat out for every meal. I really haven’t eaten out much, but we have started to do it more and more. At least in Southern California it will still be nice enough to eat outside and most restaurants have that option. But what else would we be doing? There’s the reception with lots of people we won’t know (and some family, of course), which is scheduled to be outdoors, but will that be all? I can’t imagine what else we would do, but it seems silly to go all that way for just a few hour event. When I went to my other cousin’s wedding in Chicago, my husband and I spent most of the weekend sightseeing. The wedding was just a small part of the trip.

I can’t figure out if I’m trying to talk myself into or out of going. I’m considering going and calling it exposure therapy. Maybe the only way to get over these anxieties is to face them. Avoiding them sure doesn’t work!

My husband asked me the question “Are you struggling because you want to go or do you not want to disappoint your sister? Because if it’s the latter, then don’t go. But if it’s the former… I’ll support you either way.” I’ve been trying to talk through my thought processes with him, so he’s starting to figure out some of my “stinkin’ thinkin’” before me.

This post has gone on much longer than I intended. Like I said, I’ve been thinking about my thinking A LOT lately. I didn’t even touch on the metacognition involved in the conversation with my husband about getting together with his friend and his family! That will have to be a post for another day. For now, I’ll end it with this quote:

If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way – especially shame, fear, and vulnerability.

Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection