It’s Thursday again! This week has gone by quickly. My kids had Monday and Tuesday off from school, which made this week fly by.
Monday the three of us went to Topgolf and played for 2 hours (son’s pick), then on Tuesday we went to the zoo (daughter’s pick). If you recall, my anxiety over the drive to the zoo caused a bit of a blow up on Saturday, but I’m happy to report that I used my metacognitive skills and the information I’ve learned from The Gifts of Imperfection to successfully drive to and from the zoo without an anxiety attack!
When we picked up the two friends before heading to the zoo I turned to the kids and said “I just want to warn you that the GPS gets confused near the zoo because of construction and that sometimes freaks me out a little. But we always make it to the zoo one way or another.” And with that, we were off. My map actually took me a different direction altogether because of morning traffic, so we avoided the area that confused the app. I did start to get a little concerned when it had me continue straight where we usually exited, but I took a deep breath and chose to trust that we would get there. Sure enough, we did. And when we left, I reminded myself that there are many ways to get home and if the ramp I needed was closed, the map would reroute to get us home one way or another. We were pushing it a little close on time (the kids had guitar practice), but all went well and I was very proud of myself. Anxiety tried to creep in a couple of times, but I managed to not let it take over.
After a success like that, I was excited to share with my therapist. We had a rough start to our session, though, as my video feed kept cutting out for her so we had to deal with technical issues for awhile before really getting started. I shared that I am getting a LOT out of this book and I am very grateful for the recommendation.
I told her that I’ve come to the conclusion that my fears, particularly in regards to the pandemic, are almost all related to wanting to do the “right” thing. I’m not particularly scared about getting sick (though that was certainly the case this time last year), and more about being seen as doing the “wrong” thing. If I don’t wear a mask, people will think I don’t care about others. If I get on a plane, people will think I’m not being cautious enough. That sort of thing. In particular, I hear judging comments from a friend and from my aunt when talking about others and I don’t want that judgement to land on me.
I also talked to her about how the techniques I’m learning helped me through the trip to the zoo, but also how I am working hard to talk about my thoughts and anxieties with my kids so that they will (hopefully) pick up on the tools I’m using to work through their own thoughts and anxieties.
My son has been enjoying learning the trombone for band at school and has an opportunity to switch to a “more advanced” instrument if he chooses to do so. When his band teacher brought this up in class he came home sounding very excited about it and saying he wanted to switch to the euphonium. I grumbled jokingly about him joining the marching band and making me go to football games, but I immediately put the appropriate dates into our calendar. Later, I was reading the requirements for those that switch and I asked him if he knew that students who were selected to switch would have to do private lessons to catch up to the rest of the instruments. He said “You do? Never mind, I don’t want to switch.” I knew without a doubt that this was anxiety talking. He doesn’t like one on one with adults. Neither does my daughter. They have always had each other as backup, so the thought of doing something alone fills them both with anxiety. The same is happening with my daughter and archery.
I talked with my counselor about how I might help them work through this. She gave me a few suggestions that I’m going to try. I think it’s important for them both to do the things they think they will enjoy, even if it’s scary to get started. And I’m trying to lead them by example. I decided yesterday to go with my sister to California. I’m going to do things that scare me and prove to myself that anxiety is a big fat liar. And hopefully show my kids as well.
I also talked about my son’s tendency to catastrophize and jump to conclusions as well as to exhibit shame self-talk. I told her I was pretty sure he got it from me and I am starting to notice that I do it much more than I realized. Unfortunately, I’m having a hard time figuring out how to stop and find replacements for my knee-jerk reactions to situations. We discussed grounding and taking a moment before reacting, which I know is going to take a LOT of practice to do naturally. My “homework” for this week is to notice the thoughts and write them down and try not to say them out loud. I’m also going to try to take a calm moment to talk to him about this tendency in both of us and how we might help each other become more self-confident.
A lot of today’s session involved my wanting to help my kids learn the tools I’m working on. I told her I definitely see how they are helping me and I want my kids and my friends to benefit as well. I’m trying, which is the best anyone can do. I may never be completely free of anxiety, but I’m hoping to regulate it to the back seat for the remainder of the ride.
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