What scares you? I’d say some of my biggest fears these days involve social interactions and yet also being alone. Strange, I know. I like feeling secure with all of my “people” by my side. I feel comfortable when my whole family is under one roof.
But that doesn’t mean it’s what I want all the time. I want to get away. I want to travel (with or without them) and I want to enjoy being social. I know there are people that have come to realize through this pandemic that they are content to not go out and see other people. I don’t feel that way, yet my anxiety has held me back. As anyone that’s been reading this blog knows, I’ve been working on it. And one of the things I’ve learned is that avoiding the things that scare us, just confirms to our anxious brains that is was right to be scared.
Which is where exposure therapy comes in. Expose yourself to the things that scare you to show your brain that you are safe. This weekend has been one big Exposure Therapy-palooza. Even leading up to the weekend (see my last blog post).
Friday I flew for the first time in 2 years. Thankfully, my sister arranged her flight so that she changed planes onto the one I would be getting on, so I was only alone getting through security, then had her there to keep me distracted from any possible panic. She got us a shuttle to the hotel, got us checked in, and asked for lunch recommendations. All I had to do was trail along behind her.
Friday night my cousin came and got us to spend the evening with extended family. Most of these people I’d never met before, unless at my cousin’s wedding 7 years ago, as they were on my uncle’s side and not technically related to me. It was a small-ish gathering compared to the main event that was scheduled for Saturday.
My sister and I spent most of Saturday just chatting and catching up. That afternoon my aunt had arranged for a friend of hers, whom we had never met, to pick us up and take us to the reception (my other cousin had gotten married in 2020 and no one, including her parents, got to go, so this was to celebrate that union). I had no idea what to expect and was somewhat nervous, but the couple that drove us were super outgoing and personable and soon called us their new BFFs. We were able to stick with them through most of the reception as well as briefly mingling with family members we did know. While Trivia Night did not initially sound like my cup of tea, it sure beat trying to come up with small talk for that long!
My sister and I were unsure what Sunday would bring, but we’re prepared to spend a quiet day by the pool if necessary, but my aunt ended up inviting us to lunch and dinner, where we got to see cousins as well. It was a full day and quite pleasant. The few times I got nervous about the lack of masks in restaurants, I looked at my cousin and his wife (who are both medical doctors) and decided that if they were okay with it, I could be too.
This morning my sister left for the airport at 8:00 AM. My flight is at 2:55 PM. I needed to be out of the hotel by noon, so I had almost 4 hours by myself in the room. I did some IG scrolling and menu planning, then realized I could watch church service from yesterday. As I watched, I packed my bags and got dressed. I still had time. So I started planning my week and writing this blog. At 11:45 I gathered my things and went down for the shuttle. I was the only one on at that time, and I felt awkward, but it was a super short trip to the airport. I made it through security (always a little nerve wracking for me because I have a defibrillator) and looked around for a place to get some lunch.
I’m always a little uncomfortable eating alone for some reason, and today was no exception. Not only did I feel awkward trying to find a place to sit and figure out what to do with myself so I didn’t look like I was eavesdropping on the conversations around me, but I also couldn’t help being nervous every time someone would squeeze by me without a mask.
As soon as I finished eating I left the restaurant, went to the bathroom, and found a spot with an outlet to park myself for the hour and a half before boarding. And that’s where I am now. The mostly empty waiting area has filled up quite a bit, but I strategically positioned myself where I am facing out the window, which means I can’t see all of the people around me. I do this at restaurants when I can as well. If I can’t see the people I can pretend they are all wearing their masks the right way.
I’ve had conversations with my aunt (the one I work with, not the one I visited this weekend) where she thinks I’m doing these things just because I think it will stop my anxiety, but that I don’t really want to do them. But that’s not the case for me. I really did have a nice time and when I don’t focus on what scares me I feel completely comfortable. I did a lot of laughing this weekend and while I had moments of anxiety, I am glad I came. I know that for her, she really doesn’t want to go anywhere. But for me, I do.
And if my sister and I hadn’t come, no one on our side of the family would have been there, which I know would have made my aunt sad even if she understood. My family may be a little dysfunctional (who’s family isn’t?), but I do love them all and I count myself lucky that we have a relationship with our aunts, uncles, and cousins. As adults we don’t see each other very often, but as kids we saw each other at least once a year at Christmas. My female cousin (the one we were celebrating) is currently living in Minneapolis and my male cousin (the doctor) lives in New York City. I’ve told them both that I’d love to get out to visit them with the kids and my husband. They are both eager to show us around and I find myself looking forward to it.
Before long I’ll be home and all of these anxiety inducing events will be behind me. But I hope the lessons I’ve learned will not be. I hope I can remember that even when I’m scared, I can do the things I want to do. Anxiety does not mean unsafe and thoughts are not facts. If I could get through this weekend of exposure, I can continue to show up scared. I don’t have to fear turning into my agoraphobic mother if I continue to expose myself to the things that scare me and prove my anxiety wrong.
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