I had to skip therapy last week because of my planned travel and even though I will be traveling again this weekend I didn’t want to skip a second week, especially knowing we wouldn’t meet on Thanksgiving. I had to work, though, so I got there early and went into the guest room to have my virtual session.
I started out telling her that I’d thought my biggest hurtle for my trip was going to be the travel portion, but then my sister asked me what I was going to wear and I spiraled into major anxiety over shopping and finding the “right” outfit. She asked why it caused so much anxiety and I explained that I dislike shopping for myself. Her prodding eventually got it out of me that I feel a need to meet my sister’s high standards (this stems from her constant critique of my wardrobe growing up) combined with feeling unattractive due to how I carry my weight (I’ve been asked if I’m pregnant many times in my life and the answer is always no).
This spun off into discussion about how I spent my youth not allowed to participate in any athletics, not to mention not having the energy, then getting super fit in my 30s only to feel like I’m loosing it all again (and gaining all the weight and then some) in my 40s. I mentioned that ever since I fell and broke both wrists and an elbow two years ago I have struggled to get back into shape. My fear of falling again combined with the pandemic has really hit my activity level and eating habits hard. I still work out (with modifications for my wrist) three days a week, but I no longer run on the alternate days. I was unable to run for several months after my fall and have lost all of the stamina I once had (which wasn’t much, but better than now).
This then evolved into a conversation about Tough Mudder, which is something my husband had been super involved in pre-pandemic, but between covid and his vestibular issues, he’s been away from since November 2019. This past weekend was World’s Toughest Mudder (a 24 hour obstacle course challenge) and it’s the first one we have not attended since his first in 2017. I talked about how Mudder is different from a lot of OCR communities because they believe that helping others achieve their best makes them better. It truly is a community and not being there this year was very hard for him and I miss it as well. I talked about how I believe our involvement in Tough Mudder set the example I want for our kids to see where you reach back and help the people behind you and root for everyone’s success.
Over the course of our conversation I realized that while I’m going through the motions of “being fit” by attending Virtual Camp Gladiator three times a week and half heartedly attempting to eat healthy, I’m failing at doing what makes me happy and why I started doing any of this to begin with. When I first decided to do a couch to 5K it was inspired by watching my husband in his first ever obstacle course race (I think it was a Warrior Dash). It looked like such a fun way to crush some goals. I started with learning to run, then added in a personal trainer and completed a Warrior Dash with my husband by my side. It was so much fun and I surprised myself on several obstacles. From there my goal became to complete a Tough Mudder for my 40th birthday. I worked hard towards that goal and a team of friends and family saw me through. I may have been slow (6 hours to complete the 12 mile 20+ obstacle challenge), but I did it. And I’ve never done another one because I don’t want to slow anyone down. I felt justified in everyone staying at my slow pace when we were celebrating my birthday (I’d even paid for all their entries), but I know they would all be so much faster without me.
I want to do another one, but I don’t know how to get past this particular obstacle. My husband has said he’d happily run with me, but I’ve always felt too guilty. It’s been 5 years since that achievement and while I did continue to exercise and even run (up until my fall), I haven’t had a purpose behind it. Maybe this is one more anxiety I need to face. I’ve got time before the race season starts back up. I think I need to talk it over with my husband as well as one of our Mudder friends. I don’t intend to run World’s (I prefer being Pit Crew), but I’d love to get back in the mud.
When I started this session with my therapist I had NO idea this would be where I would end up. But I guess that’s why I’m in therapy. To dig out the places I need to work on because I’ve suppressed them so long I don’t even know they are there.
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