Today was a zero tissue session. We talked a lot about parenting strategies and what my parenting goals should be. I want to give my kids the tools to deal with hard emotions because I feel like I didn’t really have any and I want to foster independence in them both.
I went into the session not really knowing what I would be talking about. Inevitably, I talked about the kids. We had a really good trip to Florida and very few problems. However, I know that some of that stems from being busy with family and my being more lax with screen time due to vacation. But as I talked I realized just how extreme my son’s reactions to the unexpected can be. When I asked him to give his order at Whataburger, he panicked. When I gave him my card to purchase items at a store, he hid behind me. When we found out that we’d had several possible exposures to COVID and needed to test before seeing family, he melted down and said it was because of his “luck” and that “nothing [he] want[s] is ever going to go right.”
This morning he was scheduled for a tuba lesson over zoom. I had reminded him yesterday at dinner. But this morning when I reminded him he got upset and said he didn’t want to do it. I told him that at this point he had no choice. To which he responded “Did I ever have a choice?” His dad said “You could have chosen to stay with the trombone.” He continued to come up with reasons that he couldn’t do the lesson. I tried to calmly ask “What are your options?” He pushed back saying there wasn’t anything he could put his iPad on. I asked him to look around him and use his problem solving skills. He sat in one spot, twisted his head right and left quickly and said “There’s nothing.” I lost it and yelled “Get off your ass and use your eyes!” Bad move, I know. His sister tried to offer a box and he rejected it as too small. I suggested that she go ahead and place it on the fireplace and he could find another box to put on top. Somehow, amidst all the billion boxes we have in our house from shipments, he was able to find a box that worked (can you see my eyes roll from where you are?). The bad part is, his tuba teacher never showed up! So he got all worked up for nothing.
I think my son has a level of social anxiety, specifically associated with adults. He gets so worked up about the possibility of an adult “yelling” or “getting mad” at him. He refuses to talk to waiters or cashiers. And he’s afraid to ask questions in class. I have no idea where this comes from originally, but I feel like I’ve made it worse. When they were little, both of my kids had speech issues. So when they would talk, I’d repeat what they had said so other people would understand. And I think I’ve continued to do that to an extent. When my son does say something, he tends to mumble and I repeat what he’s said. I’ve often just done things for him, or his sister has.
My counselor suggested prepping him beforehand and explaining why I want him to order for himself or make purchases. I realized when she said this that I do tend to just spring it on him, rather than letting him know in advance that I want him to do things for himself. I think that may be a big part of the problem. So I need to find a time soon to let him know that I want him to grow in his independence and learn to do things like order food for himself. She also pointed out that I should praise his effort. Any step he makes towards the goal, notice it and let him know. So the fact that he said the order, even if it was mumbled, was still a step forward.
Speaking of independence, that was another topic for our session. My goal is to help my kids deal with their emotions and become independent, confident adults. Part of that is working on dealing with my own emotions and communicating my goals/strategies to my husband so we are on the same page. Today might not have escalated the way it did if my husband had not been trying to help. But it’s not his fault that I have not explained to him the changes I’m trying to make in how I deal with our son’s meltdowns. At some point soon I need to sit down and share with him what I’m trying to do.
Overall, I feel like this session helped me to look at what I need to do. Now to actually put it all into practice.
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