I knew going into today’s session that it would be a muli-tissue session. I lost count of how many, though.
I knew because this week my heart has been acting up. It’s more than likely completely harmless and nothing to be concerned about, but I’ve been concerned none-the-less. And the more concerned I get, the more I notice what my heart is doing, which makes me more concerned because I’m probably noticing things that I wouldn’t normally.
I knew because yesterday I decided at the last minute that I really didn’t feel like cooking and instead picked up food on the way home from my son’s tuba lesson. And the Whole30 that I started a week ago went down the toilet. I made the right choice in what I ordered, but they gave us more fries than my kids wanted and instead of throwing them out like I should have, I ate them. And then I felt guilty about it.
I knew because I didn’t want to get dressed this morning. I had the thought “It’s not like I’m going anywhere except to drop the kids off at school. I don’t even have to get out of the car.” But I did get dressed. Because I knew I had therapy (even if it is virtual) and I get out of my car when I pick the kids up. But I made sure to choose clothing as comfy as pajamas.
I knew because this morning we listened to the Encanto soundtrack on the way to school and I had to fight back tears as I related to each of the characters on various levels. Never a good sign when music makes me teary.
I knew because I found myself wanting to curl back into bed and do nothing today. Yesterday I told myself that doing nothing was self care and giving my heart some time to rest would help. But today I realized that doing nothing meant ruminating and spiraling into my pattern of depression. So instead I did a 15 minute yoga session, then decided to make a slow cooker recipe so I wouldn’t end up doing what I did last night. I also listened to Betty White read her book If You Ask Me while I worked. It helped keep my mind off of things and I didn’t curl up in bed. But as soon as I put all of that aside to start my session, the tears were right below the surface.
It was all of two seconds into my session before the tears started flowing. SO many feelings going on.
- Fear – What if these heart flutters are actually something to be concerned about?
- Guilt – Is my heart reacting to something I did or didn’t do? Am I letting this get in the way of my parenting? I can’t even keep my eating on track, of course it’s my fault!
- Frustration – Why can’t I get myself out of this spiral?
- Defeated – If there is something wrong and nothing I could have done to change it, what’s to stop my heart from going back to the way it wa 15 years ago? Or if I could do something, I must not be good enough to do it. Also, nothing is ever easy for me.
- Denial – If I don’t talk to my doctor, I won’t find out something is wrong.
I’m sure there are others mixed in as well. My therapist recommended that I label my feelings (above) and also write down the facts. Only things I know to be true. No “what ifs” or speculation. So here goes.
- I’ve had PVCs in the past and the doctors have assured me that they are harmless.
- Everyone gets PVCs. I’m just more in tune to my heart and notice more than most people.
- While I may not know for sure that these are PVCs, I can see from my Apple Watch that nothing catastrophic is happening to my heart rhythm.
- I have an AICD that will pace me out of any harmful rhythms if necessary.
- My doctors listen to me when I say something is not right, so if I talk to them they will investigate and get to the bottom of what is happening so that if intervention is needed we can make that happen.
- Taking time to rest is not something to feel guilty about. But it should not be a time for building “what ifs” in my head.
- The ECGs from my Apple Watch seem consistent with the images I’ve seen of PVCs on the internet.
- I have contacted my electrophysiologist’s nurse and if she thinks it’s something to be concerned about it should be easy enough to send a transmission through my Carelink from my AICD. Much easier than going to the office!
- Repeatedly taking my ECG with my watch is not helping my anxiety and not giving me any new information.
- Right now I have no evidence that my heart health has changed. PVCs can be caused by stress and anxiety and are not an indication that my heart is getting sicker again.
That’s all I can do for now. It did help talking with my therapist. While we were talking I did not notice my heart rhythm until she asked me if I’d had any while we were talking. And then I started noticing again. And while I’ve been tying I feel like it’s been constant. But I sent a message to the nurse and I don’t feel like this is something that needs urgent attention. I have no plans this weekend and just signed my kids up to get vaccine boosters tomorrow, so we can all have a very quiet weekend of movies and snuggling. Next week is soon enough to figure it all out, if there’s even anything to figure out.
For today, I may do another yoga session, but I think I’ll spend some time watching TV and taking it easy. Maybe I’ll start a new book too.
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