It’s Thursday again! I seem to only sit down to write on Thursdays lately. Which is not good. I really ought to write more often. I think it helps me with my thought processing and brightens my week. Perhaps it’s time to revisit scheduling in time to write every day. Or at least most days. I think it would help.
Anyway, today was only a one tissue session. And it was at the beginning when I was talking about Encanto and how the songs make me cry every time I listen (which is a lot lately). I talked to her about how I can relate to all three of the sisters and their songs. Maribelle wants to fit in and feels like her lack of gift is keeping her on the outside of the family. Louisa has always been the strong one and feels like if she can’t carry all of the family’s burdens than she is worthless. Isabelle feels that she is expected to be perfect at all times and anything that is less than perfect will mean she’s not supporting the family. Boy do I relate to all of these. And the last song… All of You makes me cry every time. Because the message is that you’re more than your gift. More than what you can do for others. All of you is valuable. You don’t have to always be perfect, you don’t have to always be the strong one, you are valuable just because you ARE. And I guess sometimes I struggle with knowing that in my heart.
My therapist has not seen the movie yet. After describing the ways I connect to the characters and how the songs make me feel, I told her that my kids and I have had some great conversations while listening to the songs. They love them as well and I’ve taken the opportunity to share with them how I relate and they’ve shared their own feelings as well. It’s opened up a line of communication that isn’t always easy to talk about. We all feel insecure. But I hope my kids know that I 100% believe the message that they are valuable for ALL of them, not just the gifts they might possess.
From there I talked about how I’ve been realizing that I’m lucky that my kids share so much with me. I’ve had many occasions when they have shared something that’s happened at school and when I talk to other parents they frequently tell me that their kids never mentioned it. Yesterday a friend got hurt at recess and when I texted his mom to find out if he was okay she didn’t even know!
I also expressed my concern that my daughter has said she feels like she has nothing to talk about with her friends and has been spending recess alone. When I asked her if she felt lonely, she said yes. And when I’ve given her opportunities to spend time with friends outside of school she has turned me down. Thankfully, one of the teachers at school has decided to form a small “girl’s group” after school as part of her schooling to become a counselor. My daughter was one of 10 chosen to be a part of the group, which I think will be so good for her. I hope it helps her to see that she’s not alone in how she feels.
As for my son, we talked about how when he reacts to things it’s like his feelings are magnified times 100. When he gets startled, he doesn’t just jump, he jumps and falls to the ground, holding his chest like he’s had a heart attack. Every feeling he has is normal, but MORE. So much more. I also said that I think the things we process inside our heads come out of his mouth because he has no filter. And when we react to the processing it interrupts his ability to process and causes issues. I’ve told my husband we need to allow him to process on his own instead of reacting. Hopefully he will eventually figure out how to process internally instead of externally. But for now, it’s OUR reactions that need to shift.
That’s what my therapist and I are trying to focus on. MY reactions. One day I said something to my son and he reacted “What?! You’re talking to your therapist about me?!” and I responded “I’m talking to my therapist about MY reactions to you, yes.” At least that seemed to calm him down. I told her that part of the problem with his BIG reactions to things is that we tend to reflect that BIG reaction back and it creates a bigger problem than it should be. Anyway, she’s recommended that this week I journal about how I feel and my reactions to the kids in the hopes that we can find strategies to keep me calm when things are escalating. I think I’ll have a Notes file on my phone so that I can write things down as they happen. Otherwise it will be like this blog. I’ll think “I’ll do that later” and never get around to it. Perhaps I’ll transfer those notes here to help myself process the data before my session next week.
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