Reactions

Last week my therapist had me write down my reactions to my kids, just to become more aware of them. I did that all week long. I may have missed some, but these were the highlights.

Thursday my son found out that their teacher was offering donuts to students who brought all of their school supplies. He flipped out that it wasn’t fair because he wasn’t in the classroom due to announcements and ranted about how much he hates doing announcements. At first I tried to point out that at least Friday was his last day, but then realized that I was trying to fix things and changed to saying “I can tell you’re very frustrated. I’m so sorry.” My daughter tried to calm him down and was blaming herself for upsetting him. I told her that she is not responsible for his reactions and to let him process what he is feeling. When he picked up a beanbag over his head I did tell him he’s allowed to be upset, but he cannot throw things. He put it down and kicked it. He went on for a bit longer, then moved on to something else. 

01/13/2022

Earlier that day my therapist had talked to me about allowing him to process his own emotions and not try to fix anything. I can acknowledge his feelings, but not offer any solutions. The only thing I need to do is ensure that he is not hurting himself or others as he processes. Thus the not allowing him to throw the beanbag.

Sunday before dinner my son finished a book and was very excited about it. He told his sister that she should read it. She snapped “I said I would!” And he snapped back “Sorry!” It shouldn’t have even been an argument, but the way they spoke (not the words) made them both upset with the other. Their attitudes triggered me to snap “Please speak kindly to each other!” At which point I realized my own tone and continued “Unlike what I’m doing now.” 

01/16/2022

When I shared this story with my therapist she said it was good that I was able to recognize in the moment what I was doing and stop myself. I guess that’s progress!

Sunday night my son forgot to get in the shower and we usually watch a show before bed. When I realized he hadn’t showered I mentioned it and he huffed (he was turning on the tv). I said “You could shower in the morning, I guess. But you have to be sure to remember.” He said “I will! Why don’t you trust me?” I said “because you’ve forgotten in the past.” “Why don’t you say that to her?” “Past behavior.” “I’ve forgotten the same number of times as she has!” “Then in that case, you can go shower now and go to bed.” “You trust her more than me!” “You are allowed to be upset, you are not allowed to yell at me.” He threw a book and my husband said “You are allowed to be upset, you are not allowed to throw things.” He took his shower, then went to bed. When I called him back to plug in his phone he ignored me and wouldn’t speak to us. In retrospect, I should have said “We aren’t discussing your sister.” It feels like he was looking for a fight.

01/16/2022

I had spoken to my husband about validating his feelings and setting boundaries, which is why he reacted in the same way I did to our son’s behavior. It was really helpful to have him on the same wavelength.

Monday. We are going to the zoo with friends. My son wants to wear his cosplay outfit to the zoo. I told him he would probably get cold. He didn’t care. I suggested he at least change the pants. He said there was no point in wearing the rest without the pants. I know he wants his friend to see it, so I said he could wear it to go pick them up and change before the zoo. He said I don’t understand because they didn’t have cosplay when I was a kid. I told him I have 32 more years of experience and might know a thing or two. I finally gave up and just went to vent to my husband. At that point, he had figured out that he didn’t have pockets. “Another reason pants would be a good idea.” He decided to put shorts under the costume pants. He pointed out some stains he has on the pants. “And you’ll get more today.” He reacted with a grunt and eye roll. “Just pointing out that it will happen. Not my problem.” When my husband said “I think he should at least take a change of clothes.” I said “I told him that, but he wanted me to carry it and I refuse.” That’s when he walked in the room and, hearing my response, got upset. His dad started laying down “ground rules” for him. He tried to interrupt every half sentence. By the time his dad was finished my son yelled “fine! I’ll take the whole thing off!” I had lost it by then and said “wear whatever you want, but don’t complain to me. Wear your sleeveless outfit. It’s your favorite!” And I left the room. I can still hear fussing from the other room, but I just can’t deal with it anymore.

01/17/2022

I wrote that right after it happened. I think part of me was afraid people would comment about at 12 year old walking around the zoo in a costume. I didn’t want to draw attention to us. It’s cute when a 4 year old goes around playing dress up, but a 12 year old looks a little weird. I guess I thought I was protecting him. I should have just let him figure out on his own what would happen, weather it’s that he would be cold or draw unwanted attention or get stains on his white costume. I was trying to protect him. And maybe me to a degree.

This one I didn’t type up at the time because it wasn’t my reaction to the kids at all, but I feel it’s important to include in my reactions post.

The trip to the zoo with our friends was great. The mom is someone I know because her daughter and mine met in kindergarten and hit it off. And this mom has become one of my best friends, especially this last year. She happens to be a counselor AND suffers from anxiety, so not only are we able to support each other, but it’s so helpful knowing she completely understands when things get to be too much for me.

Anyway, there were a few times throughout the day that one or the other of us (and I’m including her daughter in this mix) started to feel on edge due to the crowds. I think we were all relieved when we decided it was time to go. Now, I think I’ve mentioned before that the GPS can be a little stressful when it comes to going to the zoo. Thankfully, we’d gotten to the zoo without incident. However, as we were pulling out of the parking lot, my dad called me. He had tried earlier in the day and I’d ignored it, but this time I decided to answer so I could tell him I’d call him later. Only, he wasn’t listening to me and I was getting frustrated. He finally heard me say “Dad, I’m driving. I’ll have to call you back.” But the damage was done. I was frazzled from the get go. The directions from my GPS were correct, thankfully, but they had me crossing 4 lanes of traffic to get to an exit. Which I missed because traffic wouldn’t let me over. My friend was totally supportive and helping me stay calm(ish). From the back of the car, I hear her daughter say “You sound like you’re going to cry.” I responded “Nope. Not gonna cry. I’m good.” (though I probably did sound like I was going to cry). Next, her son said “You can’t do hard things!” (note: their family mantra for the last year has been “We can do hard things.”) I laughed and said “Yes, I CAN do hard things. See, I’m doing them now.”

01/17/2022

Honestly, if it had been any other family in the car with us, I think I would have reacted differently and I would probably be beating myself up about how I handled (or didn’t handle) the situation. However, I was able to keep going and allow the GPS to adjust when I missed the exit. I may have even reacted differently if it had just been my kids in the car. But I was able to laugh off the stress instead of being completely swept up in it.

Tuesday morning I had to wake both kids because they ignored their alarms. My son realized he had forgotten to do some homework. He frantically worked on that, lost a piece, searched for glue, and generally ran around in a panic. For some reason I felt completely detached. I didn’t react to any of it. I responded when needed, but no reactions. He said “this day just keeps getting worse!” And in the car he complained about work he had to do and said “They can’t do that, can they Mom?” I simply said “I don’t know.” I feel like the detached emotions worked well for not escalating the situation. However, I had a hard time connecting the rest of the day. Something was off. My husband kept asking me what was wrong. I said “If something is wrong, I don’t know what it is.”

After Tuesday I’ve felt mostly disconnected from everything. I can’t really put my finger on what I feel. I described it as “numb” to my husband. And when I discussed this with my therapist I told her that I felt like I finally understood what the Love and Logic people describe as “going brain dead.” So from a parenting point of view, it’s somewhat useful. I mean, I feel like I did a much better job of not escalating the drama from my kids. On the other hand, I just don’t feel like myself.

My therapist suggested that I write down when I feel connected and when I feel like I’m not. And while I haven’t done that (yet), I think I’ve noticed that I seem to be connecting to songs/tv, but not to my own life. The few times I’ve felt like I might react to my kids, I’ve thought “Eh. That’s not helpful” and didn’t say anything. I don’t know how to describe it. But I’m hoping it’s just a matter of time before I can find the right balance between feeling connected to my family and not reacting to the drama. Does that make sense.

I know I said it last week, but I really do think I need to make the time to write more. I think it helps. I also have an idea floating around in my head about something I’d like to do with my life that would get me back into the world of books. But it’s in the baby (or even, fetus) stage at this point, so I won’t go into it just yet.