Remember all that anxiety I’ve been having the last few days over the windows being replaced on Wednesday? Well, I don’t have to worry about Wednesday anymore. Instead I get to worry all the way to March! The windows were built in PA and apparently they haven’t made it here. If I understood correctly, they haven’t even left PA yet. The new date we were given is March 4. They didn’t even call us to give this information. When I hadn’t heard anything from my husband about the list of questions I’d given him to ask when they called (which they had said they would), I texted him to find out what he knew. He said he hadn’t heard from them and would call. That’s the only reason we have this information. He DID ask most of my questions, though!
When I first found out I was not happy. I’d wanted the day to be changed away from Wednesday (the one day of the week that my husband is at school ALL day), but I wanted it over with so I don’t have to prolong the anxiety. However, after some time to process and after my husband explained that he was given a choice of Friday or Saturday and he chose Friday because the kids would be at school half the day (it’s early release right before Spring Break) and at noon I could pick them up and take them somewhere fun and he could be the only one dealing with the window people, I felt lots better. It’s a huge relief to not be the only homeowner here with a bunch of strangers working on my house. And this also means that my husband won’t have an immediate deadline for any of his homework, since he will also have Spring Break that following week. Therefore, he will be able to help more in the preparations the days before. At least, in theory. This also gives us a few more weeks to get the house ready and decide on window coverings for the rest of the windows.
This morning I was talking to my aunt before getting to work and I told her I’d figured out that a lot of my anxiety is social anxiety. I have this fear that the people coming to work on our house are going to look around and determine that I am not fit to be an adult. That I have no clue what I’m doing. And as much as I tell myself that shouldn’t matter because their approval should not determine my worth, I just can’t stop myself from feeling it.
My aunt has been taking some courses on healing trauma and doing a lot of self discovery through workshops. She asked me if I could think of when/why I might have felt like I was being judged for the first time. I thought for a moment and realized that I’ve felt it most, if not all of my life. I wanted desperately to be like everyone else and not be different. But I always have been and always will be. I was born with congenital heart defects. I had my first surgery when I was 5. I got my first pacemaker when I was 7. I was exempt from PE and everyone knew there was something “wrong” with me. I was different. I stood out when I wanted to blend in.
I guess I still want to blend in. I want to look like I’ve got my life together. But the perfectionist in me says I definitely do not. And social anxiety says everyone will notice. I know anxiety is a liar and perfection is unattainable. But I feel like the more I tell myself that, the worse it gets.
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