Another week, another therapy session. Today was a 4 tissue session. Probably should have used more, but instead I just kept using the same ones.
I made a lot of connections today that I hadn’t made before. We talked about how I felt uncomfortable with the junk people here because I felt like they would see that I’m not good at being an adult. I feel unworthy of adulting. And I feel like I’ll never figure it out.
Then I told her about how I’d thought I was going to be writing with all the extra time I have in my current position, but after one critique I felt unqualified to be a writer and I stopped. Yes, I blog/journal, but all creative writing just stopped and when I try to sit down to do it I physically can’t.
I told her about how I used to know that what I did mattered and that I was good at it. When I was a librarian I had a great relationship with students, teachers, and parents. I felt like I was good at what I was doing and that others could see that. But now that I’m home most days I look at my house and see that I’m failing. I’ve never been good at keeping the clutter at bay, but back when I worked full time I could use the excuse that I just didn’t have time. Now I’ve got time, but I still don’t do it.
I talked about how I feel like nothing I have right now is the product of anything I personally have done. I’m simply very fortunate to have a very generous (and well off) family that is willing to keep my family financially stable. Yes, I do work for them, but it’s not difficult work and requires no creativity at all. I miss being creative.
Then I got very passionate. I told her that when I first left my job as a librarian I thought it was temporary and that I’d be going back, but right now I don’t feel called to go back to a job that this state is attacking. Books are being banned from school libraries and the very core of my belief is that ALL kids should get to see themselves in the books available to them. Who are these policy makers to say that if you aren’t a cis caucasian you don’t get to see yourself authentically?! When she pointed out how passionate I had become about this topic it brought to mind the time I passionately expressed my opinion about state testing at a family gathering and my sister and brother looked at me like I had two heads, then I heard them talking about me in the other room. Apparently I’m not allowed to have strong opinions because I’m always the quiet one that keeps the peace because she doesn’t like confrontation.
Ultimately, we concluded that the core of my anxieties seem to fall towards feeling unworthy and inadequate. My therapist suggested EMDR to find a way to retrain my brain away from those thoughts and beliefs that I’ve formed about myself. I’ve never looked into EMDR and will be googling the term in a moment, but she said that we would dig up past memories and by using bilateral movement (eyes moving from left to right or something she called butterfly tapping) work on reshaping those thought patterns that were developed as a result of those memories. I think I’m getting that right.
I told her I’m willing to try. Because no matter how many times I try to rationalize myself into not feeling inadequate and anxious, I can’t seem to stop the thoughts. She said it will look a lot different from talk therapy, which is all we’ve done so far. I’m curious. And hopeful. She did say it may get worse before it gets better, but I really want to get better. I don’t want to feel physically ill just because I have a phone call to make or someone coming to work in my home. I want to be normal.
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