Last week my therapist suggested the possibility of trying EMDR therapy to break the thought patterns I have developed about perfectionism and my worth. She suggested watching the following video.
I didn’t watch it right away, but did ask on IG if anyone could share their experiences. I heard from two people, one of which I exchanged a few DMs with on the subject. I came to realize that I was approaching this with my perfectionism firmly in place. I was trying to find out how to do it “right” and worrying that I would get it all “wrong.” When that hit me, I tried to take a step back and not overthink things. I waited until this morning to watch the video.
I want what Jameela experienced. To one day realize that the fears I’ve had for so long are just gone. But then those very same fears creep in and tell me that it won’t work for me because I will do it wrong. I know that EMDR has you focus on past memories that triggered the thought process you are trying to break. But I also know that I have a very hard time focusing on one thing for very long. When I try meditation, or breathing exercises, my mind keeps wandering to other things like what I’m making for dinner or how I should have said something different to that person I haven’t seen in three years. (Exaggeration. But only a little.) I even find my mind wandering during intimate times with my husband. I feel awful about it and try to focus, but so many random things pop into my head. I’m afraid that’s what will happen with EMDR.
Today my therapist asked me if I was interested in trying it. I said I was, but she could see my hesitation. I explained my paradoxical situation. The very thought process I’d like to address with EMDR is what is holding me back from trying EMDR. Ultimately, I said let’s do it. So today we started looking for my earliest memories of feeling “not good enough.”
I have another problem, though. I don’t have very many early memories. I have had a lot of anesthesia over the years, so maybe that’s why I feel like there are big holes in my childhood memories. I did share about my sister being the “fashion police” and always having a negative comment about how I looked. Either the outfit I was wearing or my hair. I also shared the many ways my brother would torment me. Like turning on a favorite show until I noticed only to change the channel. Or threatening to hit me in my pacemaker. Or throwing glass jars at me and catching it just before it made contact.
I talked about my parents constant arguing. And how I was always the peacemaker, wanting everyone to be happy. I shared one of the few vivid memories I have. My mother and father had had another fight and my mom had gone into her room. She was sitting on the bed with her back to the door and I came in to say goodnight. I said “Goodnight. I love you.” And all she said back was “Goodnight.” It devastated me to not hear “I love you too.” I know now that she was just trying to deal with her own emotions and not saying the words did not mean she didn’t love me. But at the time, I cried myself to sleep. And clearly that feeling of not being able to fix it and not feeling loved has stuck with me for a very long time.
I also talked about my perfectionism at school and somehow came around to my health feeling like it may have contributed to my parents’ tension. My brother acted up to distract from their arguments and I tried to be extra perfect to make up for my health being a financial and emotional stress between them. I shared about the little boy I met when I was getting my first pacemaker that was getting his leads repaired because (as our cardiologist put it) he had been “doing belly flops on the concrete.” In my 7 year old brain, the only way I could think of that one would do belly flops on the concrete is if they fell off their bike. So I stopped riding my bike. I was afraid I would break the leads and need more surgery. I remember my mom feeling a need to have at least $10,000 in savings in case I needed to have a heart transplant. And many of their arguments came around to money.
Our time ended there. We will continue to search for memories connected to my perfectionism and feeling unworthy. It’s interesting to me how I didn’t even know I felt these things until I started trying to come up with triggering memories. I never put together that they might have contributed to my feelings of inadequacy. But I guess I felt like a burden and that I needed to somehow make up for that by being “good.”
Next week we will continue to dig into memories and then she said something about coping strategies. I’m not entirely certain when the EMDR will actually start. But I really hope I can retire my thinking so that I can set a better example for my kids.
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