It was a 9 tissue session today… We spent a lot of time talking about how socially awkward I felt at a retirement party I attended yesterday as well as how hard it is for me to get my head around all the transitions that are happening with my kids finishing elementary school.
The person that was my aide when I first started working as a librarian at the school my kids still go to is retiring, along with three other employees. I worked in this school for 7 years and knew all of the retirees, but was there specifically because of the person I felt was my closest partner, even after she moved positions. I was one of 4 librarians she’s worked with and all 4 of us were in attendance. Yet, I felt completely out of place and uncomfortable. When people saw the librarian that was there before me, they had big, enthusiastic reactions. With me it was “Oh, I didn’t know you were here.” I know in my head that the other person has a big personality and therefore they were reacting to her presence in a similar manner. I was quite and basically hiding to the side (and one of only 3 people wearing a mask), so it’s not a surprise that people didn’t notice me. But it doesn’t keep it from hurting.
My therapist suggested I reframe and instead of focusing on what felt awkward, look for what went well. So I’m going to try to do that here, in list form.
- The librarian that replaced me was there and the two of us were able to talk for quite a bit about what we are doing now. We also had a good laugh when it turned out that we both got the retiree shirts with the same message on them!
- One teacher in particular always greets me with enthusiasm, even when she sees me at the school for volunteering. She will stop what she’s doing and come give me a hug. I’ve often wondered why, but I think I need to catch myself on the minimizing and/or disqualifying cognitive distortions. She greets me this way because she’s happy to see me. Nothing else matters.
- While the rest of the team barely greeted me, they did greet me. Well, the art teacher didn’t, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t stick around long and that had nothing to do with me. He probably didn’t see me.
- Just because I felt awkward, doesn’t mean people thought I was awkward. I did have conversations with several people and everyone looked genuinely happy to see me.
- This event was not about me and shouldn’t have been about me. I did not need (or want) to be the focus of anyone in the room.
- Even though I was anxious, I still went. I showed up.
The other focus of our session was the transition we are approaching with the kids moving from elementary school to middle school. As I’ve pointed out to my husband, our kids are at an age where they are supposed to start becoming more independent and pulling away from us. It’s normal and a good thing if we don’t want them living with us their entire lives. But even while I know this, it’s hard to accept. So much of my identity is wrapped up in them. When they don’t need me, who am I? What is my purpose?
I’m realizing as we move towards middle school that things are changing drastically. I’ve attempted to find activities for my kids to do in the summer only to find out that almost every day camp has a cut off age of 12 and my kids will be turning 13 next month. Which seriously limits what I can sign them up for.
And then there’s the fact that I know nothing about the middle school. When they were in elementary, I knew what to expect because I worked there. I knew that they would have separate teachers in K-3, then they would share “switch teachers” in 4th, but not be in the same class. I knew that in 5th and 6th they would share a homeroom, but be in different blocks the rest of the day. Now that they are going to middle school, I have no idea what to expect. They are both signed up for the gifted classes and theatre, but I don’t know how many sections they have or if they will end up together at all. I know they definitely won’t be together all day, but will they see each other at all? I just wish I knew what to expect. I’ve also always been able to help when they’ve had trouble with technology because I was the technology expert on campus. But next year they will be using technology I’ve never used before and I won’t be able to help.
I understand that other parents have always been in this position. Other parents don’t know the inner workings of the school and/or scheduling. Other parents don’t know how to use the technology used in the school (I’ve helped several friends to help their children). I’ve been assured by every person I’ve talked to that they won’t need my help and will do fine. And I know that. But I guess I’m not looking forward to not being needed. As they become more independent, I am left not knowing what to do with myself. I’m back to feeling like I have no purpose.
My therapist suggested that I look for what brings me joy and a sense of purpose. I know I need to do that. But it’s also scary because I don’t want to be bad at it. I know we have to be bad at things before we can be good, but I’d really rather jump right to being good!
It just hit me that maybe I need to take some classes when the kids go back to school in August. Maybe I can look for some writing and/or editing courses. I’ve been hesitant to pay for a course because I don’t like spending money on myself, but that really isn’t being fair to me. My husband is planning to take classes in the fall just to try out sound mixing and voice acting. I support him taking these classes, so why am I hesitant to allow myself to do the same? I think I will start looking into finding a course.
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