This is Room #7 in my Social Anxiety At Home series. If you are new around here, you might refer back to the intro post, where you can also find links to the individual rooms as they become live.
The Garage. Normally not a very busy part of the home. Just an entrance/exit portal. That in and of itself is a great way to avoid actually interacting with neighbors. If you pull into your garage and shut the door before getting out of the car, you don’t have to actually say hi to any neighbors. Maybe wave at them through a window, but no conversations. It’s sad, really. I remember knowing everyone down our street when I was growing up. Not anymore. I don’t even know the people that live next door. Granted, they just moved in, but I didn’t know the previous 3 families that lived there either. We did know the woman that lived next door when we first moved in. But once she moved away, we haven’t made the effort. I blame alley garages partially for not knowing our neighbors. But I’m pretty sure that it’s also my social anxiety. And maybe other people’s too. My daughter and I tried going next door to introduce ourselves when the newest neighbors had a package that was accidentally delivered to our house. But beyond handing them the package and introducing ourselves, no connection was made.
I feel like the car is an extension of the garage, so I would like to share a bit about my anxiety as it affects driving. First and foremost is the time anxiety. My mother taught me that “on time is late” and we were early everywhere we went. She got this from her mother, of course. But I feel like sometimes I take this to an extreme. For example, the other day I needed to stop by the church to pick up an envelope that had been left for me. The church is right across the street from my house and I can easily walk there. I decided to stop on my way to picking up my children from school rather than get out twice. I usually leave to pick up my kids at 2:35. Or at least, that’s the time I have my alarm set for so that I don’t leave too early. This puts me at the school about 5-10 minutes before they come out, depending on how long it takes to put the dogs in their crates. Given that I usually leave at 2:35 and the church is less than 2 minutes away, you would think I would only need to leave about 5 minutes early. Not to my anxious brain. No, I decided I had to leave at 2:00. Which meant that I sat in the parking lot waiting for my kids for 40 minutes. This is not unusual, sadly. I completely disregard math when it comes to timing for getting places. I’m always worried it will take me longer to get somewhere than I think or there will be some sort of delay. Don’t ask me why. With all that extra time, I even made an IG reel (my first one!) and it seems to have resonated with lots of people because it’s had more views than I ever would have thought (over 3,000 at this point in time)!
I’ve notice that my kids are starting to pick up my time anxiety, which I wish I wasn’t passing on. My husband does not have this problem at all. Early in our marriage, when we would be attending family gatherings I would get super anxious about getting out the door, despite not telling him when I wanted to leave, and he would not see what the fuss was about. We would arrive exactly on time and he would say “See, we’re fine.” Only, my entire family would have been there for 15 minutes already and they did not hesitate to point it out. I don’t think they would have done that to a non-family member. But I guess they saw it as a “training” opportunity.
I also get anxiety when it comes to driving to new places, or in areas with which I’m less familiar. I think it’s closely tied to my time anxiety in that it makes me worry that I’ll be late, even if I don’t actually have a time at which I’m expected to arrive, just an arbitrary time I’ve somehow placed into my head. I used to joke when I was in high school living in Houston that I never came back from the downtown library the same way twice! Of course, this was back in the dark ages before cell phones or GPS. So I had to follow hand written directions from my mom while figuring out one way streets. Maybe that’s where the anxiety started. At least in Houston I knew that if I drove in a direction I would hit a loop and be able to find my way home. But I haven’t lived in Houston since I was 18, and even though I’ve been in the DFW area for more than half my life, I still feel uncomfortable going downtown. Even with GPS, I’ve gotten turned around (darn construction). When I don’t know where I am, I have a tendency to snap at the people in my car. Which usually means my kids, and sometimes my husband. One day we invited a couple of kids to go with us to the zoo. Because of the construction around the zoo, I knew my GPS was going to get confused. So before we pulled away from their house I turned to them and said “I want you to know that I get a bit anxious when I drive to the zoo because the GPS doesn’t tell me the right exits with all the construction. We always get there, but I still get anxiety.” Just the act of telling them that helped me stay calm, even when the GPS told me to take an exit that didn’t exist. I have found that calling out my anxiety to the people I’m trying to hide it from helps to keep it from getting unbearably high. It’s still there, but I’m less likely to snap or get overly upset.
Since the pandemic the garage itself has also become my gym. Prior to the pandemic I worked out with Camp Gladiator, an outdoor group boot camp type experience. There were only 2 trainers I was willing to work out with, one of which was my (at the time) best friend. When the pandemic hit, they quickly started up virtual workout sessions on Zoom. Which worked out great for my anxiety. I had always felt self conscious about other people seeing how slow and weak I was, even after years of training. So moving to a virtual experience meant I could pretend no one else was with me as I kept my screen locked on the trainer and ignored the other participants entirely. Of course, they eventually opened up in person camps, but I stuck to virtual. Partially because I still wasn’t comfortable with the possible exposure, even outside. But mostly because I liked my safe bubble in my garage. Two years later and I only work out virtually. There are times and trainers available all day, every day. But my anxiety makes it difficult for me to feel comfortable with the unexpected of trainers I’ve never worked with. So once I found one I liked, I haven’t changed. And when she has a sub, I have to talk myself into working out anyway. I train M/W/F at 5:30 AM. This is so that I can be done working out before anyone in my house is awake. Again, this is for multiple reasons. The main one is that I have a former coworker that works out “with” me (we text each other right before) and she has to be done in time to get to work. But I also feel self conscious working out when people are awake in my house or on my street. I’ve realized that this summer my family will be sleeping later and I could work out later in the morning, but that would also mean that it would be light outside and neighbors might see more than I’m willing to share (not to mention the anxiety of changing trainers). This last week I was in the middle of my workout when the neighbor behind us opened their garage to leave for work. It felt like it took forever for them to get into the car and drive away. All I could think about was how awkward I must look. I try to tell myself that they don’t care what I’m doing and are probably not paying any attention to me. But I feel awkward just the same.
I wish I could say that there is even one room in my home that isn’t filled with anxiety, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. I read something recently that felt very accurate. “Anxiety doesn’t take a vacation just because things are going well.” And I think that applies here too. Anxiety is with me everywhere I go, even at home. Through writing this series of posts I’ve become much more aware of how anxiety influences my reactions to myself and my family. While I don’t think I’ve necessarily found solutions, I do think awareness is a good first step to healing my own anxiety and breaking the cycle for my kids.
This series isn’t quite over yet. Next I will look at how anxiety beyond my home affects my family and friends.
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