I’ve been avoiding a difficult conversation all summer. For those of you that have been reading my blog for awhile, you may remember that when we came back from visiting family in May my son was so upset able how he was treated by his cousin that he said he never wanted to see them again and blocked his cousin from contacting him on Messenger Kids.
I should have talked to my sister right away, but didn’t know how to bring it up. We had already looked on our calendars to find other dates we could visit before school started back up (before my son’s announcement). And then I became so focused on getting things lined up for my wrist surgery, I didn’t have the mental energy for the conversation.
When the first date we’d discussed approached, I’d just had wrist surgery and said I wasn’t going to be able to drive yet (which was true) and still didn’t have to talk to her about the drama between our sons. Today she asked me if we were still planning to come visit at the beginning of August. I can’t avoid the conversation any longer. I asked her if we could talk this evening. It’s evening now.
I’ve texted to see if now is a good time to talk, but haven’t gotten a reply. So I texted again saying she can call me when she’s available. But now I’m sitting here with building anxiety and I don’t know how I’m going to tell her that her son is a bully. Especially since, upon reflection, she bullied me in many ways when we were growing up and sometimes still does. I’m intimidated by her and always have been. But I have to stick up first my son.
My sister called. I told her everything I knew and she was baffled. She probably felt sideswiped. She said “We were right there the whole time! When did all this happen?” I pointed out that while we were there, we weren’t listening to everything they said to each other. And I pointed out the red flags that had been happening the whole time and the things I pointed out to her that she dismissed because her boys treat each other that way. She started to remember bits and pieces.
I told her that I knew my son was not blameless because he didn’t make it clear that he didn’t like being treated that way and his cousin will not change if he doesn’t know he did something wrong. She said she understood if I didn’t want to come down and I said “No. I think it’s important that we DO come so they can work this out. If we let them go even longer without talking, it will just get harder.”
I assured her that I know her son would not intentionally hurt mine. But we need to make sure he knows that, even if he thinks of mine as a brother, he does not like being treated the way he treats his brothers.
She said she wished I’d talked to her sooner, as she’s certain her son won’t even remember any of what he said. I told her I’d planned to, but life got crazy and my brain was focused on surgery and getting through that.
I am glad that part is over with. I really do believe it’s best that our boys work this out. Because if they don’t, it will make family get togethers extremely awkward or perhaps even nonexistent since the only time we see any of my family is if we go there and stay at my sister’s house (we are the only part of the family that doesn’t live in the same area). I just hope they do work it out.
Just as I hit publish, my sister called me back. She’d talked to all three of her boys and let them know that their cousin’s feelings had been hurt, even if that had not been their intention. As suspected, the main culprit has no recollection of what he might have said. His twin brother cleared up some of the confusion. Then she sent the boys to their rooms and talked to them individually.
The one that had hurt my son the most told her he had “changed.” When she asked for clarification, he told her my son had told him that he’s bi (thankfully, I’d just told my sister this information, so she wasn’t taken by complete surprise, just that her son knew and hadn’t said anything). She asked if he knew what that meant and he said he didn’t until my son had explained that it meant he likes boys and girls. This confused her son. He said “But Mom, I thought you either liked boys or you liked girls? Does this mean he’s like Xxxx (his step-sibling who is a trans boy whose parents do not support him)?”
So we suspect that his confusion about the situation is why he hasn’t tried to contact my son at all. As for my son “changing” I think it has less to do with him saying he’s bi and more about the difference between a 10 year old and 13 year old. As my son approaches puberty, the difference in their ages is magnified. They are interested in different things. Just like her oldest son who stopped playing with the “little” cousins, with the same age difference between him and my kids.
Hopefully everything will work itself out when the cousins are all together and can discuss it. That won’t be until the beginning of August, but maybe we can get them to talk before then. I’m thinking it would Probst be best if we did.
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