I failed today. I got completely overwhelmed by life and exploded all over my family. Now I’m in my room in the dark (I told them I needed to put myself if time out because clearly I’m not fit to be around people today).
It was a perfect storm of anxiety for me.
1) I needed to make dinner in the slow cooker so it would be ready when we got home from a late activity.
2) My daughter had to stay after school to make up a test, but I volunteered in the afternoon and told my son I could take him home, but by the time we left there was barely time to drop him off and go bad to get her.
3) I made the mistake of thinking I could pick up my meds “real quick” before getting her, but the person in front of me took 20 minutes and there was a car behind me so I couldn’t get out. Which meant my daughter had to wait for me because I was late.
4) My son wanted a snack from Sonic, since we have to eat late on Tuesdays and he eats lunch so early. I should have said no. Sonic took forever.
5) Due to the above, we had 10 minutes at home before needing to leave for their activity and I had to add the final ingredients to the slow cooker before we left and the darn thing wouldn’t program the way I needed it to and I had to improvise.
6) I was expecting to work on writing while they had their class, but my husband showed up unexpectedly. I should have taken that as an opportunity to go home early, but didn’t.
7) I needed to use the bathroom before we left, but three employees were standing in the doorway and I didn’t know what to do and finally awkwardly stood nearby and pointed at the bathroom with a shrug.
8 ) When I described what I was making for dinner to my daughter, she said it sounded mushy (she does not like mushy food). I made this because she’s still recovering from oral surgery and I thought it was something she could eat, but (in my mind) she was rejecting it before she even tried it.
9) We are down to only 5 bowls and three were dirty and dinner was supposed to be soup, so as soon as I walked in the door I had to wash dishes.
10) I lifted the lid on the food and saw that the pasta and vegetables were mushy looking knew it would be rejected and totally lost it. My husband tried to ask how he could help and I shouted “Find something they will eat, because they won’t eat that!”
And for some reason, everyone trying to make me feel better just made me feel worse. I hid in my closet, crying for 15 minutes and that made my chest hurt. I finally stopped bawling and moved to my bed to silently cry. My son came in and said “I’m sorry” and I lost it again because I’ve turned him into a people pleaser that apologizes for existing every day and I yelled “You have nothing to apologize for! Stop it!” And he tried to hug me but I pushed him away because I feel like a horrible person that doesn’t deserve to be hugged.
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